A boy and his father were walking along a road when they came across a large stone. The boy said to his father, “Do you think if I use all my strength, I can move that rock?” His father answered, “If you use all your strength, I am sure you can do it.” The boy began to push the rock. Exerting himself as much as he could, he pushed and pushed. The rock did not move. Discouraged, he said to his father, “You were wrong. I can’t do it.” His father placed his arm around the boy’s shoulder and said, “No, son. You didn’t use all your strength – you didn’t ask me to help.” – David J. Wolfe
They are the wings beneath our feet, the hands that held us up when we took our first tottering steps. They rejoiced in our smile, and were always there to kiss our tears away. They are the sails that kept our ships afloat, who toiled so that we could succeed, who still remain our strength and our treasure even as they approach their golden years. So let us stop just for a moment as we chase our dreams – dreams of finding that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, dreams that they created for us in the first place – and honor those fathers and mothers.
The population of Indian Americans has boomed in the past few years. The city of Atlanta itself has seen an amazing explosion. In this melee is an explosion of senior citizens struggling to find their niche, trying to carve a place for themselves as their children are caught in the never ending pursuit of success. So how are they spending their golden years? Catching up with some of them, their children and even grandchildren to get a peek in the day of the life of these unsung elders of an era bygone was an eye opener.
“I came here in 1988 to help my daughter, who was expecting twins and already had an 18 month old daughter. I stayed here for 11 months. A couple of years later, she requested us to move to Atlanta as they needed help with the three kids, plus the conditions in Punjab had deteriorated tremendously after Indira Gandhi’s assassination,” recalls Mrs. Pushpa Wadhera. “My husband and I decided to move here for a few years to help raise our grandchildren and then return to India.” “I was so busy that I really didn’t have time to get bored. We have a good circle of friends and our granddaughters have learnt to speak Hindi and Punjabi because of us. We do miss India and our friends and the fact that we were mobile and independent. Here we have to depend upon our children for everything.
“We didn’t learn driving because it was always at the back of our minds that we would be going back. Thanks to the telecommunication system we keep in touch regularly with our relatives and friends. We haven’t gotten bored. Nowadays we have satsang by and for senior citizens about twice a month. On weekends we socialize and meet people of our own age. I am quite a social person and I make friends easily.” Mrs. Wadhera’s husband, a quiet, dignified gentleman, closed his business in India and moved here with his wife. He too has quietly adjusted to the way of life. “The lifestyles are different. The biggest problem that men face is the lack of regular interaction with each other where we can spend our time fruitfully, and discuss various topics of common interest. The biggest plus point is that we are with our children and grandkids. My grandkids have gained strength from my calmness, and their affection makes me feel we have four daughters instead of one. I used to be fond of sports in India, so the interest in cricket has been replaced by interest in baseball. Plus I have been able to keep myself busy working with my son-in-law in his business, and meeting people there. One misses the independence of being on one’s own, but then in old age we also need our children near us.”
The Wadheras’ son-in-law Anil Anand, businessman, is more forthright in his opinion about the struggles his in-laws having faced, “Initially when they came, my father in-law, especially, had a hard time adjusting because traditionally in India you don’t go and live in your daughter’s house; as time went by they were so involved with the kids that gradually they settled down. We have benefited so tremendously by their presence in our lives. Our children have never been to babysitters, and our kids have grown up in a predominantly Indian environment.”
“Also whenever Anil needed help, dad was always there,” adds Rita, their daughter. “They always wanted to go back, but something or the other stopped them. When the kids grew up, Anil fell sick, and now my father has health problems. I feel the biggest problem for the parents here is lack of mobility and their dependency on children to go anywhere. We do try to pool in resources, but a lot of time they hesitate to even tell us about social get-togethers because they know we may be busy running some other errands. I wish there was some public transport that could be arranged to enable them to visit friends and go to social gatherings more independently.
“They need more frequent outings, agrees Anil. “Recently we had organized to take a group of parents to the Cherokee casino and every one had a great time. I think the parents who come here at a later stage in their life are always half here and half in India, mentally. You can take them out of India but you cannot take India out of them even though the India they left behind is not the India of today.”
“Yet for them the greatest achievement has been to raise the girls from infancy to teen years and my mother feels so proud at the way they have turned out. She has been there for them always and is like their second mother,” adds Rita. “We have learnt a lot about the Indian culture from nani-ma,” say the three granddaughters, 14 year old Reeva and the 12 year old twins, Tina and Rena. “She has taught us how to cook Indian food, understand our culture and religion, updates us on all major events in India regularly, and nana has helped us with homework. The language barrier is no problem for nani. There is an Italian lady in the neighborhood; neither nani, nor she speak English, but both are friends!”
For Pravinbhai Parikh, who left India after closing his jewelry business, USA was all about dignity of labor. “I came here in 1986 with practically nothing. In India we had servants, kitchen help, here everyone works everywhere. For my first job at a convenience store, I used to walk 2.5 miles in the bitter cold. I will say this though – in India if you loose your bearings professionally, you can never get back on your feet, whereas here, if you are willing to work hard, anyone can make it. “I do miss India. There time just flies. You eat your dinner and can step out and mingle with neighbors and then go home to sleep. I am not sure I would like to go back though. After living here for 10-15 years you get so used to the comforts and the unpolluted air!”
Mrs. Sukhvarsha Chadda has been commuting back and forth from India to USA and the Middle East to be with her children and now makes her home predominantly with her daughter Chenab and her family. “I feel it is up to you to keep yourself occupied. I read a lot, I do Reiki, and I spend a lot of time with my grandchildren. I have gone for picnics organized by the Punjabi society, but people already have cliques and it is hard to break in to the circle, even though I am quite outgoing.” “Atlanta actually is pretty good compared to other cities where senior citizens are concerned,” says daughter Chenab, an IT professional, “people are pretty laid back and thoughtful, and even though both, my husband and I are working, we have a strong network of friends where we help each other out by taking our parents to programs or places they would like to go.
“For my mother it has been easier as she has worked all her life, and is well educated and can drive, but I have seen several other parents who have had a hard time adjusting. The initial move is very difficult, they have left so much behind, and the mental comparisons are always going to be there. The kids are unable to give them the attention they crave because the nature of work is so different here. In India people still come home early, go for evening walks and interact on the streets. For us, mom staying with us has been a boon; by the time we get back, the kids have already done their home work thanks to her, they have learnt so much about our culture and religion and how to deal with life in general. We are so caught up in the rat race, but she’s been there, done that, and so she is so much more patient. I do wish though that there was an avenue where some of these senior citizens could share their talents with others. My mother has a masters in Reiki, and often gets invitations to teach but transportation becomes a problem.”
“Our parents are quite aghast at our lifestyle here,” say Rajil and Sonya Vohra who have moved to Bangkok from India and then to USA. “In Bangkok it was truly the East meeting the West in the best possible way. Our parents could go out and walk, use public transportation, and still enjoy the “grandeur” of the malls, the clean roads and western comforts. Culturally too, India and these Asian nations are so similar. Here they got a major culture shock to see the grandson walking in and saying “cool it gran”!
“Initially, it was indeed very difficult for me to live in the United States,” says Sharda Devi Kapahi. “Language was a major problem and then loneliness was another issue. I do like the cleanliness, but I will take the pollution of India any day to go back. I do feel that having been here to help raise my grandkids from infancy has been a boon for them. Kids who are put in daycare from infancy seem to have a lot more health problems. My grand daughters know Hindi and are very aware of our cultural heritage because of my input. Both Sunil, her son, and Rita, her daughter-in-law feel that it is very important to have a transportation system to allow our senior citizens to be more mobile. “It is hard for them as it is, to come in their later years and make adjustments, start all over again to make new friends, and find people of similar backgrounds. Their friendships are limited again to who their children introduce them to.”
“My mother firstly appreciated the culture and diversity in the United States and felt that there was a certain openness in the society that she could not get in India,” says Dr. Ramana Dhara a Physician specializing in internal medicine. “She could do things in a more uninhibited way here as compared to India. The downside was that she felt isolated. She could not tune in to the local culture, she doesn’t watch TV, and even though she speaks English she was unable to connect with anyone culturally. She felt house-bound because if she had to go anywhere she had to depend on us and that was a loss of independence for her, so she decided that she would not like to live here permanently.
“The senior citizens living in this country seem very isolated and alienated from the local culture. They don’t have much to do and since most of them live in the suburbs they are unable to interact with others. It also seems a lot of parents have been brought here to baby-sit their grandchildren, and end up as unpaid baby-sitters – to which many seniors have indicated discontentment. It is only in bigger metropolitan cities that there are centers for Indian senior citizens to spend the day doing what they enjoy most, interacting with people of similar ages, with similar interests, but the suburbia is certainly not the place for senior citizens of Indian origin to thrive and that includes parents who are here on a short visit. A lot of these senior citizens have expressed guilt at the fact they are here as permanent residents and are getting welfare benefits and want to use their skill and knowledge to put something back into the American system.”
Dr. Dhara adds, “I serve as a volunteer physician in the Gwinnet Community Center clinic and I notice that healthcare too is a problem. Often, visiting parents may just come with a medical insurance that covers only accident type of problems, and therefore they can only receive care during medical emergencies and not for ordinary day-to-day illnesses. There is a very minute effort by some of the temples to have health-fairs and camps, but that is not sufficient to take care of their needs. A lot of these parents who have come here have been pretty well to do at home, but because of cost-prohibitive health insurance for seniors, they do not fall into the medical system, and so they come to these clinics where the level of medical treatment is not what it would be had they had insurance. There is a language barrier as they cannot explain what is troubling them. Again a lot of time they are unable to take advantage of even these healthcare facilities due to lack of transportation.”
Mrs. Suman Sekhri, who divides her time between Atlanta (with her daughter and son-in-law), and Chicago (with mother and sister), says, “The best thing about this country is the fact that there is no age limit to how long you can work. It gives senior citizens a sense of self-worth, and frankly I meet so many interesting people, each day is a new learning experience for me.”
Mansukhbhai Shroff who is a retired businessman and lives with his physician daughter and son-in-law, says he doesn’t see much change in his lifestyle. He still does the same things here, but feels that people are not teaching their children the right values. “I have actually taught my grandsons mantras in Gujarati and though they don’t speak Gujarati, they do chant the mantras and feel the benefit.”
Dr Ashok Dave, a physician from the Indian Airforce, and his wife, have been living with their son since 1991. He laments about the infrequent social interaction with his age group. “All said and done, once you decide to come here, you have invariably accepted this way of life and so you must create the necessary diversions to entertain yourself. In states like New Jersey, and Orlando they are doing a lot for senior citizens, taking them for sight seeing, organizing other programs on a regular basis for them and making sure they meet each other frequently. We are not part of the American culture so we do need that interaction.”
Mira Trivedi, a BBC Radio broadcaster from England who is visiting her daughter, said, “These social get-togethers are a lifeline for the seniors. In England, the public transport system makes it very easy for these citizens to commute. There is a lot of awareness in the British Government about the ethnic communities and their needs. Every city has a senior citizen center for Indians where they go and do the things they like to do. Food is served at a very nominal charge, and there is a vast difference in the way we cater to our senior citizens there and in USA, but then I guess life is very fast-paced here, and few people have the time or inclination to do their bit. A lot of senior citizens are scared to complain as they live with their kids. Some are here to help their kids, others to sponsor other kids. This is my fourteenth visit here and I see very low self-esteem in quite a few senior citizens.”
Vasanthi Ramchandran and Parvathi Mani who are very active in the south Indian community, say the problems are similar with the senior citizens in every community. “The dads hate the dependence on their children; even for as little as going to the post office. The moms are quickly done with the cooking and then get bored. The good thing is that everyone has suddenly become computer savvy. The moms now happily go on the Internet to read the latest issue of the popular south Indian magazines and even e-mail their daughters in Dubai asking, “What are you cooking today?”
Another thing that bothers them is the lack of easy access to physicians. They hate the thought of their children coming home, taking an appointment and then taking them to the doctor even for a minor issues. They miss just putting on their slippers, getting into an auto rickshaw and going to see the doctor. They find Atlanta akin to a hermitage-slow and quiet. It is an ideal place for those who are spiritually inclined and want to chant mantras for hours but not for those who like the hustle and bustle of Indian life, cars and buses honking, vendors ringing their bells, trying to sell something or the other. The grandchildren have benefited definitely by the presence of these grandparents but these grandparents are now lamenting the fact that they did not teach their own children about their cultural heritage to enable them to teach their own kids.”
Mr. Kailash Bhandari and his wife Asha have been in Atlanta since 1990, and have children in New York and New Jersey. The feel the same lack of hustle bustle that they have been used to in Bombay and Delhi. Mr. Bhandari, however, feels that Atlanta is still a better place to live. “We like the cleanliness and the weather, and there are some 20-25 families that meet on a regular basis. In New York, it’s a mad rush and people are not as friendly. Of course, living here is healthy for you… you have to do everything yourself! Moreover, without a car, you are `bekaar’ (useless) over here. But even after learning to drive, where can we seniors go? In India you step out of your house and everyone knows you. We go there for a few months and time just flies. Their son, Viren, and daughter in- law, Vandana, also feel that lack of mobility is a major problem, even though Vandana does not work.
They understand the dilemma of their parents who are uprooted from the country where they have lived for 50 years. “We have lived in Atlanta for 15 years and we had a couple of opportunities to move and we came running back. For them too it is a mixed feeling. Vandana helps a lot but no matter how much she does, she cannot replace their relatives or fill the emotional vacuum of leaving so many old friends behind. I think our children have indeed benefited. They also learn when they see us respecting our parents. The other day I said to my son, “You are the best son in the world “ and he said, `No dad, you are a good son too.’ He has seen me interacting with them.”
Mrs. Lajya Mehta, Mrs Shanti Nanda and Mrs. Susheela Gupta, all are very happy to be in the United States. Mrs. Nanda lives by herself in a beautiful 3-bed-room condominium and has her friends over frequently for satsangs and sleepovers. Her family is in Atlanta and she is well cared for while still having her own privacy and independence. “In fact I have a hard time in India now. The last time I went for 4 months, I came back in one, says Mrs. Gupta.” I enjoy working in the kitchen here, as there is no sweating and no heat. When I was in India with my other children, they went for all parties by themselves. Here I go to every one of them with my children and meet other people if my age group.” she adds.
“The people in Atlanta are very loving,” says Mrs. Nanda. “My children are very caring, but the children of others too love me as much and are very thoughtful and helpful. We can never thank Raj Razdan and her group of volunteers for the wonderful work they are doing for us.”
Pankaj Sampat, who had worked for over 15 years with the State of Georgia in their Aging division, and their senior citizen centers, says that a lot of Indian Americans are not aware of the many programs offered by these centers. “Each county has about 4-5 senior citizen centers, and when my parents came here and stayed with us for several years, that is where they spent their day. A bus would pick them up and take them to the center, and my mother who was initially shy because her knowledge of English was limited, had even more fun than my dad. More importantly, we can start our own center. The Korean community did just that and their community center gets funding from the federal, state and local government. We can do the same for the Indian seniors and can easily approach the United Way, and the Atlanta Regional Commission. They control all the programs for seniors.”
Our parents have sacrificed their lives, their wealth, at times even their health, so that we could thrive. It’s our turn now, to return that favor by making their golden years truly golden, untarnished by the anxiety, loneliness and isolation they often feel before its too late. The only love we receive in this life is the love that we give.