From Confused to Confident: Moms Come a Long Way

They come from all walks of life — as brides, as young students, as young mothers and try to assimilate in a foreign land. Some adjust easily, others struggle, but most find themselves caught between two cultures, trying to raise children and also focus on their own growth. How have these women done a few decades later? Their children tell it like it is.

Ratna Kancherla, 28, an ex-beauty queen and law school graduate says as far as she can remember her mother Parvathy was always elegantly dressed, and immaculate from top to toe. “One day I was trying to practice basketball, and wasn’t doing very well. Suddenly I see my elegantly dressed mother, get on court, tuck her sari in and start dribbling the ball like a pro!” Ratna found out later that her mother was in the girls’ basketball team and loved to play ball. “I have seen my mother grow so much from the woman whose original roots are in a village in India,” says Ratna “She has not only allowed herself to grow as a person but also to see the world through my eyes, and understand what it means to be an American of Indian origin.” Ratna says it is her mother who convinced her dad to let her experience the culture here and have a social life. “She has gone from being my mother to my best friend, and I confide everything in her. Her strength and will power are what make her unique. She always says a woman must be strong and that I must do my best and keep going.”

Ratna’s brother Madhu, a Physician in his thirties and a father of two young boys says he remembers one incident that happened many years ago and is still vivid in his mind when he was about 8. He accidentally slammed the car door on his mother’s finger. “It crushed her bone and she started crying but she didn’t raise her voice and admonish or blame me and never brought it up ever. I realized in that moment how much she loved me.” He also recalls his mother crying for days when he left for boarding school. “I understand it today when I’m away from my sons for a weekend attending a conference and feel such sadness.” Madhu says contrary to what he had expected he is so much closer to his mother today than he was in the early years. “My issues with cultural identity and other things came up much later after I had graduated. Today, I’m always asking her for child rearing tips and our conversations are very open.” Both Ratna and Madhu agree that their mother has become more adventurous and liberal, more spiritual and ready to explore so much more in life as she has gotten older and she is open to her children doing the same.

Amrita Dutta Gupta, 23, who heads her own event management company in Washington DC, says her mother Indrani was always different from the other Indian mothers even when she was a little girl back home in India before her parents migrated to the USA. “I’m told she was very politically active and she is even more so today, but she led a very protected life. Coming to this country was a big adjustment for her where she had to do everything from scratch, including learning to drive. Financially too things were tough, and she handled that as well.” Amrita and her brother Indivar, who is graduating from the University of Chicago, say they didn’t face the kind of cultural confusion they saw their peers facing because their mother never forced them to do any of those “Indian things” they didn’t want to do.

Amrita does say that during her younger days when she was in middle and high school, everything her mother did was wrong in her eyes. “I still remember the time when I got hurt and had to have knee surgery and there was this guy I had a crush on. One day I got a phone call from that guy. I was so excited, I told my best friend and then my mom. I found out later that mom who was friends with his mom, had asked her to ask her son to call me! I was really upset with her!” Indivar recalls a similar situation with a girl where his mom did the same thing! Indivar also says Indrani is the typical Indian mother when it comes to her pride in his accomplishments. “She often goes overboard and exaggerates as she talks about all that I have done, and I have to stand right there and correct her.”

Indivar and Amrita say the cool thing about Indrani is her sense of humor. “There are times she is funny without meaning to,” says Indivar and recalled how he was once discussing an article on penguins and told Indrani the reason they waddle and not walk is to conserve energy. Indrani who has struggled with weight problems said with a straight face, “see that is why I waddle too!”

Over the years she wants her children closer to her. “ It’s funny though that after going on and on about wanting me near her, when I do show up, she will do everything but spend time with me, laughs Indivar. “Suddenly she has to go to the mall and do hundred other things.” The best thing about being in this country is the terrific phone service, and Indrani has milked it to the last drop. “She has burnt down our kitchen more than once talking on the phone,” says Amrita. Amrita and Indivar say that over the years they have become much closer to their mother. “My friends are often surprised at how much I tell my mom,” says Amrita. Today her kids are proud that Indrani has really come into her own, from teaching for many years to helping out with their father’s business and she is happy her kids have done just as well.

Ajit Acharya, 29, a scientist came to this country when he was not yet 4. He says his mother Sudha, grew up in a large family and lost her father and a brother at a young age. She put aside her own career ambitions to make sure her brothers and sisters could exist as a self-reliant family unit. “Mom was the one who comforted her widowed mother, encouraged her brothers to reach their potential and taught her younger sisters to become strong, independent women. I think this self-sacrifice and nurturing attitude was a precursor to motherhood.”

Ajit says his earliest memories of his mother date back to the age of 3 when trying to ride his first tricycle he couldn’t quite muster the energy to push the pedals with his feet. Then he saw his mother clad in her elegant sari, walking towards him, bending downwards, giving the tricycle a push. Even then she didn’t tell him which direction to steer the tricycle just as she has never told him which direction to steer his life though she has been there to guide him. “I always appreciated that, and still do to this day.”
While his mother had her own assimilation to do in an alien culture Ajit says there was a long period in his life when he was more reticent about his Indian roots. “It probably started when I first arrived in this country and found out just how different I was. I’d be teased incessantly in school…the brown vegetarian boy who couldn’t speak English very well.” Ajit’s mother would spend hours helping him improve his reading and comprehension. Ajit went on to read at 6th grade level in the 2nd grade and win a number of district Spelling Bee’s.

Ajit also tried to immerse himself in most things “American” as a way to rebel or perhaps, just as a way to “fit in better” with his friends. “I took up drumming in high school, but my Mom thought it would be a good idea for me to do something more “Indian” so she suggested that I try the tabla.” Because of her persistence Ajit is an excellent tabla player today and loves Indian music. “In fact, nearly all the creative interests I have pursued – writing, music, art – are all legacies that Mom passed onto me.” Being the first born, Ajit became a kind of a “pilot project” for his mother. “I was expected to ’set the precedent’ and be the exemplary older brother. Translation: I had to be especially well-behaved and forgo a few self-indulgences so that my kid sister could see me as a role model and view my mom as a consistent parent!”

Ajit says he was far more compliant and far less demanding than his sister. “So I kind of spoiled my Mom!” He says his sister Arti (pictured right with her Mom and brother), now 26, probably got tired of hearing his Mom say “Ajit never did that!” over and over again. “This usually occurred whenever Arti stayed out late or hung out with friends at school dances. My sister actually called me up a few times at college and asked me why I couldn’t have raised a little more hell when I was in high school!”

A child’s academic achievements, and later in life, his material and worldly acquisitions serve as an unofficial barometer of success in the Indian community. Ajit says his mother was more interested in her kids developing into well-rounded human beings, possessing both kindness and strength. Today she has come a long way from the traditional South Indian woman who stressed out each time a girl called him, to a self assured woman who knows she has raised two very accomplished and well rounded children with strong ethics and moral values.