“My mother and father used to control my daily activities even when I was an undergrad student.”
“Most parents don’t have a clue what their kids are up to.”
“Dating is a tricky issue. Of course, I have dated but I have never been caught.”
“It was really a struggle for me to go through engineering school. My father still tells people I went to Georgia Tech and that I am an engineer even though I have nothing to do with engineering now.”
“Parents only listen when you give them answers acceptable to them.”
I received this feedback from youths when I wrote the cover feature “The Young and the Restless” on what it means to be a young South Asian caught between two cultures. I decided to do the flip side and focus this time on the parents, interviewing a cross section of parents and their grown up children who are raising or planning to have children of their own in the near future.
The immigrants who came here in the late 1960s and the 1970s were essentially academics and professionals. Their profile was the same: conservative, middle-class upbringing, traditional views and the focus primarily on education. As these immigrants struggled to carve a niche for themselves in an alien country and culture facing both subtle and blatant bias and racism, they stayed afloat because they remained a step ahead of the mainstream. By the time they had their children, their status had changed from middle class to privileged class though they seldom forgot how they reached that zenith.
When their children were born, a few of them initially thought they would return to India before their kids grew up. They wanted to shield them from the decadent western culture and return to India, where strong traditions and moral values would offer a safer and more familiar environment. Very few, however, actually went back. They had grown used to a lifestyle in the US that was far more comfortable and intellectually exciting than what they could have in India. When familial pangs struck, they rushed to India and took their kids with them to introduce them to their relatives and their roots. As the children grew, their parents struggled to raise them caught between two cultures that, on surface, were very alien. While, children complained about their parents being closed minded and overly strict, their parents – without any help from anywhere – had to learn to be more liberal and to fight an uphill battle of trying to protect their children, as well as get them focused on fulfilling their potential.
“I cannot even ask my parents for guidance in raising my children,” says Vasanthi Ramchandran, “because my children are growing up in such a different environment from mine.” Vasanthi recalls how she wanted to see the movie Bobby at fifteen years of age but was denied permission by her parents who claimed that the movie had an “R” rating. “Now my high school-going son tells me, `Mom stop obsessing about ratings. By your standards my school is more than “R” rated if you look at all that’s going on there.’ My kids also say that all South Asian kids might as well have one set of parents. Every South Asian parent is frozen in time, talking about how things were tough for them, how good their kids have it today, and education, education, and education is all that matters.”
Her son Hemant, who will be sixteen, adds, “I appreciate and understand the struggles they went through, but I can’t accept that as a basis for their saying that I can’t have something. Nor does it mean we have to continue to live in the 1960s as our parents did.”
Hemant’s father Kishore Ramchandran, a professor at Georgia Tech, agrees that although kids can try to understand their parents’ struggles, it is still all an abstract concept for them. Kishore remembers the fire and motivation he had within him to excel after seeing how hard his parents worked to get him to where he is today. “We try to pass on the same fire and drive to our kids and perhaps seem a bit more unreasonable from the parents of their peers, but the fact remains that South Asian parents have a hard time accepting it if their kids opt for alternative careers. We have not seen too many success stories for someone who has not taken the beaten path of education.”
“My son wanted to be a musician at the end of High school,” recalls Dr. Ravi Sarma, “and it caused an enormous amount of tension in the house. I don’t know if we are open to our children’s choosing alternate careers. Although I was not accepting of his decision of wanting to be a jazz musician, I took him to New York. He wanted to go to Julliard School Of Music, and I told him, “you must realize that you are neither White, Black, nor Hispanic. Your struggles will be different and maybe worse. If you are prepared to struggle, at least finish your undergraduate studies so in case you fail to fulfill your dreams, you have something to fall back on.’ He decided to do what I said. I grew up in India where we did what our parents asked us to do base on the assumption that they had our best interests at heart, and we trusted that. There was this fear that if we didn’t excel we would never get that second chance. Here, people’s lives are complicated by too many choices and options. From public versus private schooling to breast-feeding versus bottle-feeding, you are burdened by choices at every turn, every corner. People get many second chances, where they can fail and succeed many times.”
“Then we burden our children’s lives by introducing the element of two cultures, and there is this constant walking the thin line. For other immigrants, say a European, the barrier may be only that of language, but at least there is some kind of cultural homogeneity. But I have heard that even the Indian Christians who migrated to this country are finding a conflict of cultures.” “For those of us who believe they would like to have some amount of heritage to look forward to in the next generation, there are obviously some expectations that the children will understand the mindset of parents and grandparents. At the same time, this means that you are asking children to follow the traditions of a minority culture while the dominant American culture is so much easier and attractive to follow.”
Geetha Narayan, director of marketing at Bellsouth, did not walk the beaten path of sending her two daughters to Indian dance classes, Bal Vihar classes, and so on. “I feel that when you try to shove something down their throats, they rebel. Today my older daughter, who is in college, is completely immersed in learning about the Mahabharata and Ramayana. She has gone to India and worked at the spastic society for spastic children in Bombay for three months on her own.” Ms. Narayan says that while growing up, she was brought up in a liberal way where the only rule she had to follow was not to betray the trust her parents placed in her. “You trust your child and you can’t imagine the pressure it puts on the child to conform. I had many opportunities, but there was no way I was going to betray that trust. I have followed that same path with my children. It doesn’t mean that they haven’t been up to mischief, but I’d rather they push the envelope a bit and be corrected now than be repressed and make major mistakes later.”
Dr. Bhagirath Majmudar agrees. “In India I grew up in a typical middle class family where education was the major focus. Once I came here I decided that this was a new chapter in my life. I chose a life partner who thought like me. Had we been in India, we would have brought up our children the Indian way, but since we were living in this country, we modified things. For us education was not the only thing that was important. Both our daughters graduated from Harvard and Stanford, but that is not important for me. The most important thing is that we are best friends, and they can discuss anything and everything with us unhesitatingly. I listen and only give advice when asked. A lot of children lag behind emotionally even when they are very bright kids because their parents are busy making decisions for them and not listening to them.
Most South Asian kids complain their parents are closed-minded and strict. So the children lead double lives – being American with their American friends and coming home and being the South Asian child their parents want to see. They also complain that their parents don’t realize that India has changed as well.
“India has indeed changed,” agrees Ms. Ramchandran, “and I am not proud of some of the changes. I see that children are more disrespectful of their parents and more westernized in the negative way. Having a boyfriend or girlfriend has become a status symbol even in the conservative South. I do act conservatively here because our kids have to compete with the top cream of the world. Everyone I know in India wants to send kids abroad, and they have to be at the top of that country’s academic circle to make it here. I think I have to worry about more things than do my contemporaries in India. How do I raise my children in such a way that they can blend in and not be
discriminated against?”
“I think Vasanthi and I will probably be embarrassed if our kids discussed certain taboo topics with us,” admits Kishore, “but I still think we have made adjustments. I was a lot more closed about what I could discuss with my parents and get away with compared to what my kids talk to us about and get away with. Of course, Vasanthi is more conservative, and at times Hemant goes and tells her things just to get a rise out of her. A simple thing like he had eggs for breakfast at school, when she is a strict vegetarian, can get her going!”
“I do think that Indian parents have this sense of fear that if they give up their tradition, they will be traitors to their community,” says Ms. Narayan “but my mother taught me that when you look at the fundamentals of any culture, they are the same. When you keep that attitude you don’t feel insecure.” Ms. Narayan also feels that parents need to listen to their children with an open mind. She recalls one such incident when her older daughter Kalpana came home after her sophomore year and said she wanted to take a full term off from college. “I immediately said, you must be out of your mind! In our times you went to college, and you finished college.’ When we heard her out later, we found out that she was taking that time off to go to India to write a paper that would then be published into a manuscript, and she would end up with a double major and graduate one year ahead of time. That’s why I tell parents not to be bogged down by the fact that just because they are parents they have the answer to everything.”
Dr. Sarma says that the word “open-minded” can be interpreted in many ways. “When children say their parents are not open-minded, it obviously means that the parents are not listening to their children’s point-of-view. When you tell your child you want him or her to come back after the prom and not stay with friends who have rented a room at night for the after-prom party, you are close minded. If you let them have their way, you are a good parent. When there are consequences to face, who will regret it? Your child may then say I am not that kind, and it’s fear that is a motivating factor. Well, statistics show that one out of every hundred children may be trapped, and how do I know you are not that one? I may bike all the way home from work, but I won’t let my son ride the bike on my street unsupervised. Am I being cautious and over protective? Do I have reason to worry? Absolutely. All you have to do is open the newspaper and see the statistics. It’s said that children are exposed to a lot more by the media blitz so they are more knowledgeable, but does a lot of information make you wise? Can you at a young age cut out the inessential and decide what is critical and what is not?”
Dr. Sarma continues, “I don’t think this closed-minded view of parents is limited to South Asian kids. It’s a universal thing. You go to work, and your American colleague will be complaining about his kids. Kids want to have their own way, but when it comes to being responsible, they, think we are close-minded. Children stereotype parents as well by saying, `Oh you are all the same,’ when we are not. For every one gripe they have, they forget the 99 things that were done right. If today you are a superstar, it’s because there are a lot of struggling parents working behind you. In our home we can disagree on things, and one or the other set will give in, but children are not permitted to be disrespectful. As for the immigrant struggles, all of us came there for ourselves. We cannot cash in on that and put your kids on a guilt trip.”
Usha Venkat, who has raised her kids partly in India and partly in the US, says that although there was a lot of support back home and even though she noticed the excitement in her kids to come home and share their stories with her, the challenges are no less there. “People go astray and do the same taboo things there as well. Basically it all boils down to open communication and trust.” Running from one system and lifestyle to another was tough, and daughter Harini returned to America in high school and then transitioned to the University of Michigan. “It was tough. She felt isolated, and there were times when she would not talk the entire day. I had to pry things out of her. Although there is a lot out there, and while some of the stories I heard from her about what kids were up to in college were scary, she knows she has my unconditional support and love and can come to me for anything.” Ms Venkat does feel that in the US, there is a tendency for kids to drift away from their parents. She also feels that although she is open-minded, her kids will not discuss certain taboo topics with her. At times she feels children argue for the sake of it. “They must realize that their parents are from a different culture and a different era. There are a lot of positives in that culture. Parents, too, are learning every day as they struggle to raise their children in an alien culture. So everyone has to give each other some leeway. In fact, I think some of the parents are more confused than are their kids, but then I feel it is better to be safe than sorry.”
After raising their children by inculcating values they deemed best, some immigrants are now sitting back and seeing those children marry and raise families of their own. So where did they succeed as parents, and what would their children do differently today?
Jagan Bhargave, an engineer, and wife Suman raised two sons in the US. They had certain rules in the house. Only Hindi and Marathi were spoken and if you talked in English, you did not get a reply. The boys’ grandparents and other relatives also migrated to the US. So, the two boys Suvrat and Vibhav had the advantage of growing up in an extended family atmosphere. “We exposed them to both cultures and let them make their own choices, ” says Mr. Bhargave. “We came here by our choice, and so we had to be open for them to adopt a lifestyle that was more compatible with the environment in which they grew up. We told them it was okay to assimilate into the other culture and be like their American friends as long as they came home and understood that the environment inside the house is different.”
“I told my children that I did not want to hear from others what they were up to,” says Mrs. Bhargave. “I wanted it from them. They complained at times that when they were out with friends, they were the only boys who had to call home!” Mr. Bhargave admits that at times, there were conflicts. “What really helped were the group discussions we started between parents and kids in IACA(Indian American cultural association). Some of what they said and felt made us realize that we needed to find a way to make our children comfortable.” “I think today they are pretty grateful for the values we taught them,” says Mrs. Bhargave.
“Their grandparents taught them a lot too. I was very proud to be an Indian and wore Indian clothes, but a lot of my friends would say, `What are you doing? They have to live in this country and won’t be able to blend in the mainstream.’ In those days they would cook Indian food for themselves and American food for their kids, but I think today more and more parents are willing to retain their roots.”
Mr. Bhargave believes that this trend is attributable to an increase in the number of South Asians in Atlanta. Unlike the time when their kids were being raised, today, the younger generation is able to find many more people like them culturally, hang out with them, and even choose their life partner from that pool.
Dr. Sohan Manocha, an academician and an associate judge, has raised two sons in America. He says that although he was more involved in the upbringing of his children than his own father was with him, he was as strict as his father was when it came to education. “I’d go after my sons’ grades as if they were my grades.” But his kids could discuss everything under the sun with him. When they dated, they would bring their dates home. He admits though that he wanted his sons to marry Indian girls.
Dr. Yogesh Joshi and wife Madhu have raised two daughters here. While he was the more liberal parent, Madhu was more conservative and even wanted to go back before older daughter Khyati was ten. She admits she was a strict mother, but says she trusted her children, and they didn’t let her down. Dr. Joshi says it was hard balancing two cultures and when Khyati chose to study religion instead of one of the traditional disciplines such as medicine, engineering, or law, there was a major struggle in the house. “We had no idea how her area of specialization would fare in the future, and although she stuck to her guns, I had a very hard time accepting her decision.” Khyati is now a Professor at the Center for the Study of Ethnicity and Race at Columbia University.
Dr Khalid Siddiq moved to the US 25 years ago. With four sons, he says their household is very traditional, and the boys – especially the oldest- were raised the way he was- in a conservative household where the focus was on academics. He says the media, the influence of society, and the school system is so powerful that they felt from time to time that the values they wanted to inculcate and the objectives they had would be hard to implement. “These days if we tell a child you must do something, they will ask why instead of doing it because the authority and respect that parents or elders used to command earlier is no longer there. It was a difficult transition, and we had to learn to give and take and make compromises.”
Dr. Siddiq also adds, “The influx of the internet and television has made bonding within the family difficult.” He says things that were taboo earlier are not so now in the Muslim community, although experimentation may be a lot lesser than it is in other South Asian communities. He adds that in some school systems, teachers are very liberal and teach kids that they are independent and that no one has the right to tell them to do something, and children do get influenced. So what do the children think of their parents’ parenting? Now that some of them have children of their own, how are they raising them?
Suvrat Bhargave is a pediatric psychiatrist and says he remembers having a very ideal upbringing and a lot of family support especially when one is trying to find one’s identity in a culture that is very different from the one in which you are raised. He also remembers being told that he did not have to be just good enough but better than that. “They faced a lot of bias and prejudice that I did not feel. At that time, I felt they were exaggerating things, but it motivated me to accomplish more, and now when I see things, I realize that they were right about bias as well. You do have to be one step ahead in order to be recognized here.”
Suvrat also says that unlike his younger brother, who assimilated more easily, he always felt more comfortable being with Indians than with non-Indians. “I think I defined myself for many years as Indian more than anything else, and it was only in college that I confronted myself and realized that I had this subconscious fear I would be judged by non-Indians.” Suvrat threw himself in college activities that kept him away from Indian activities. After that, he felt that he had finally been able to strike a balance and could now fit in both cultures. Nonetheless, he could not imagine marrying a non-Indian girl. “I felt that if I married a non-Indian girl or even an Indian girl born here, I would have to give up a part of myself that was totally Indian.” He ended up marrying a girl from India and says it has worked very well for him. Conversely, his brother wanted and married someone who was born and raised here.
Suvrat says he could talk to his parents about most things, and although they knew whom he was dating, they would not ask questions, and he would not tell the specifics. “Yet, when things didn’t work out, they would be the very people I would turn to, and we would talk but in general terms. I knew they would be uncomfortable about certain aspects and so would I. I still remember my dad coming and talking to me about `the birds and the bees.’ The conversation was so awkward I kept wishing he’d stop and spare both of us the agony,” Suvrat recalls with a laugh. “I think I may feel embarrassed also with my kids, but I will also tell them it’s okay, I am an adult, I can handle it, and we must still talk.” Suvrat also remembers making the announcement at a party that he was marrying a girl from India. He says that the people who accepted that announcement were his non-Indian friends. He received the most flak from his Indian friends who said, “What are you doing? How will she fit in this culture?” “I guess they were afraid I was going to open a can of worms for them, and indeed I did as their parents came and begged me to persuade them to do the same. I told them that if I could not convince my own brother to do the same, how could I convince their son?”
So how will he raise his children? Suvrat says they moved to Atlanta from Savannah because he wanted his children to grow up the way he did, surrounded by relatives. “I also want to give them a good sense of being Indian.” He would be more open discussing taboo topics with them even if it makes him uncomfortable. He feels that an increase in the South Asian community makes things easier for the younger generation. “When I was growing up, our parents were trying so hard to retain a sense of the Indian culture that it was either this extreme or the other. So the school environment was strictly American, the home strictly Indian. Today you can enjoy the different aspects of who you are. Again, career wise when I grew up, the message was `Be financially secure; then do other things on the side.’ I would have loved to study journalism but knew it would be harder to find my niche. I think perhaps I will be able to give my children a different message that it’s okay to pursue your interests.”
Anuj Manocha also a physician says that unlike Suvrat, he faced a lot of discrimination at school as a child. At lunch he would sit alone. There was a color bias. His parents were helpless, but what helped was the very loving atmosphere at home that balanced the negativity of the outside world. Academics gave Anuj the space to escape from the bias and receive grudging respect for being at the top of the class. In college, the discrimination lessened. His parents spent a lot of time inculcating Indian culture in him but slackened with his younger brother, who cannot speak Hindi. “They were very open when it came to dating, but once I was in medical school, I saw them getting nervous if I dated an American.” Anuj says even he could not imagine marrying a non-Indian girl. “Our social life was so Indian dependent that even though I was now very comfortable with non Indians, I still could not visualize having an American wife. Little things like sending my daughter to learn Indian dance or going to a puja works because my wife Bindu and I are on the same wavelength.”
Anuj says his parents are very amused to see him raising his kids the same way he was raised though he does say that he will be more liberal. For example,out of curiosity, he drank while in high school and in college, and his parents, who are both teetotalers, could never understand that. “There were times I drank too much, and they were the ones I called to get me. They would not say anything. They are not big yellers, but then I would get the silent treatment for three weeks after that. Now I don’t drink, but I worry about my daughter going to college, more than I worry about my son. I guess it’s the way guys looked at girls in college, and now it’s going to be my girl out there.”
Anuj feels that unlike Suvrat, he wouldn’t be as accepting if his kids looked at alternate careers. He admits, however that he will be more accepting if it happens unlike his dad who made it clear to him that if he did not become a doctor, there would be a lot of tension in the house. He also feels that he loves being part of a rich Indian culture and it is his duty to let his children be enriched by it without being forced into anything.
Khyati Joshi remembers going to a private school and having a hard time struggling with who she was. “I did very well in school academically, but my teachers though wonderful did not know how to make me feel proud of who I was, and I grew up with a lot of internalized repression, and the belief that white is right, and that the Indian way is the wrong way.” She now works with teachers and reviews multicultural teacher training and curriculums. “It’s my mission in life that children of other ethnic and racial backgrounds including my own never have to go through what I went through” Khyati says she sees a lot of parents obsessed with wanting to send their children to the biggest and best colleges when they should check their child’s personality and not compete with other parents. “Some kids thrive in smaller, liberal arts schools; others in big ones.” In her graduate program, she started a mentoring program for South Asians that goes beyond just helping them with their homework. Mentors share personal experiences in addition to offering guidance.
Kamran Siddiq says he remembers growing up in a traditional environment where there was no scope for discussion. Mom was more liberal, and he grew up alone because of the great age difference between him and his younger brothers. There weren’t many discussions on growing up, and if there were, they were usually the result of an incident that had occurred, and what was discussed were the pros and cons and lessons to be learnt from that incident or experience. He says he plans to be more liberal with his son and be more involved with his school activities.
So what is it that works when it comes to raising children in this country, and what are the pitfalls to avoid?
Pundi Narsimhan and wife Suja had both lost their spouses when they met five years ago. They are jointly raising their children, aged 5 to 21. Suja says that although she was not born and raised in this country, she sees the challenges children face here. “What they see outside is different from what we teach them inside the house, and since they move with so many different groups it’s not good enough to say you have to follow Indian traditions because we say so. I think there has to be a middle path, where we need to follow good values without labeling them Indian or American values. The children should also have an open mind and receive guidance and not automatically perceive it as an imposition.”
Pundi says that in hindsight, if he had to do it again he would be more liberal with his children. He also suggests having a neutral mentor for the kids who can guide them and keep parents updated on their children’s activities. He feels the mentor should be American because most South Asian kids will not open up to South Asian mentors.
Pundi points to several ethnic groups who have retained their cultural roots and says that although with every generation we tend to lose 15-20 percent of our cultural roots, if we don’t watch out, most Indians in a few years won’t know where they came from, or who they are. Dr. Sarma says people should stop using their children’s success and failure to justify their existence. “Going by my personal experience and from what I have seen, I think children should be allowed to pursue their dreams. Our job is to provide them the opportunity, keep them focused, and protect them when they are young from falling into traps that sidetrack them instead of being dictatorial.” Dr. Sarma also believes that “there has to be give-and-take but children also have to understand what is negotiable and what is not.”
Mr. Bhargave says, “Educate your children and let them make choices. I will request the children to discuss things with their parents, and more often than not, they will find that their parents will go along with them. If they don’t, there might be a good reason for it.”
Dr. Manocha believes that the reason why we are successful as a community is because we are very family oriented. “We give our children a strong sense of security and belonging and that must be appreciated.”
Dr. Majmudar claims that our children, as a matter of fact, are doing very well, and we must be proud of them. “They are intelligent, responsible, hard working, and honorable,” he says. Having been on the university campus for over thirty years, he has seldom heard any complaints about South Asian youngsters. He feels that the parents who are disappointed in their children are those who have unrealistic expectations of them. “Even India has changed. I doubt any kid wakes up there at 5 AM to bow down to his parents and take their blessing.”
Dr. Majmudar adds that parents must ask their children what they want instead of making choices on their behalf. That will not work out in the long run. “When your kid is away at college, don’t call and ask, `What are your grades, what did you eat, are you eating well?’ Believe me, as a physician. I can guarantee you that none of your children will die of malnutrition. Ask them what are they doing to relax? Parental expectations have raised the suicide rates and depression among kids. I personally feel you should be very proud of your children. This is such a good crop, whatever fertilizer you put in them they will thrive.”