As the melting pot syndrome continues in the US, the Indian community continues to see a rising trend of hybrid marriages – across racial, cultural, national, and religious divides. Khabar set out to talk to a few such couples to find out what makes them tick – and what doesn’t.
When you are single, you are the dictator of your own life. When you are married, you are part of a vast decision making body.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Men and women chasing each other to love and marry makes the human race. Add cultural, religious and racial diversity, and you have a very complicated network of inter-relationships. As the world becomes more of a global community, and America a huge melting pot of immigrants, hybrid marriages are becoming more the rule than the exception.
In our quest to document this growing phenomenon, we set out to meet with many such couples who were gracious enough to share their struggles and triumphs, thus shedding light on this defining paradigm shift of a vibrant immigrant community.
Love amongst citizens of warring nations may be a phenomenon as old as history. And yet, it never ceases to amaze with its bold, ‘love conquers all’ message. Babar Khan, a Pakistani Muslim, and Kuki a Jat Sikh from India, met in the 1980s as business colleagues, in the garment industry. “Kuki’s father put forth every argument, from the fact that they were from India and I from Pakistan, and that of the religious and cultural issues. After stressing that these problems were insurmountable, he even went to the extent of saying that Kuki was very bull headed and it would never work out,” recalls Babar, when they decided to marry. “His concerns were genuine, and we had discussed them between us. Somehow, though, we felt that these problems were not so gigantic that we could not tackle them. Finally I told him, “Sir, I came here to get your blessings not your permission.”
When the couple looks back, Babar feels, “In our part of the world, people are rather orthodox. They cannot fathom the fact that people should have the freedom to look beyond their religion and their background. Both Kuki and I are very proud of our roots but we both have the ability to accept and live with our religious and cultural differences.” Kuki feels that living in India with an army background and being exposed to several religions, has made her more tolerant.
Still Babar feels that it is tougher if the couple is from across the India/Pakistan divide. “When I try to talk to the Indians, and especially about religion as an avid reader and also a student of comparative religion, or when we talk of politics, I get the feeling that they think that I am a rabid nationalist. When I am talking to the Pakistanis on the same subjects and trying to present India’s view, I get the feeling that they are thinking I am an Indian agent. “I always find myself in the middle trying to defend both sides to each other.”
Things have been a lot easier for Flavia and Kiranjiv Bhardwaj. Flavia is a Pakistani Christian, Kiranjiv a Punjabi Hindu from India. They met as students in Georgia. Flavia’s brother was a bit concerned about the religious differences, but liked Kiranjiv enough to say yes, while Kiranjiv’s mother was impressed when she heard Flavia talk to her in Punjabi on the phone and gave a go ahead. As for being from rival countries, Flavia says “We don’t really take those references to heart. We always joke that we are the ones trying to add our bit to the peace process between the two countries.”
“Its only when you come to India you realize you are a Pakistani married to an Indian, due to the way others treat you. When I went to India on a Pakistani passport, I had to stand in a separate line to get my passport stamped and no one wanted to help me. But on a personal level, I went into a Hindu family from India and they welcomed me with open arms. In fact my sister in-law would ask why wasn’t I going to church on Sundays.”
The nationality and religious issues for such Indo-Pak couples may seem insurmountable. And yet, one cannot deny the immense commonalities between the cultural and social fabric of both the sides. From that standpoint, it seems that a marriage between an Indian and a true-blue American, has more stacked up against it. From a culture and social fabric standpoint, there is hardly any common ground between these two. Sure, the second generation who were born here may have more of a self-definition of being American. And yet, they cannot escape their roots and their parents and their extended family. Small gestures such as touching the feet of elders may be the norm for both the spouses in the Indo-Pak marriages; whereas in the Indian-American marriage, it calls for some explanations.
And yet, there are many success stories that have defied the odds. The marriage of Ruth, an American and Subhash Gupta an Indian, has weathered the test of time. Thirty years ago they met as students when she was 19 and he 23. After dating for nine months, they tied the knot. Her parents were worried that he’d take her off to India and they would never see her again! On his side, Subhash’s parents had extracted a promise from him that he would not marry an American, but he did just that. However, the fears of both the set of parents were soon pacified. Through her frequent visits to India, Ruth became the favorite daughter-in-law. Ruth feels she adjusted more to Subhash’s life style than he did to hers. He agrees.
For the younger generation, such interracial marriages have meant new experiments that were not the norm in our old world culture. Priti and Chris Bloor met at a friend’s house, in San Diego California. He thought she was cute, she thought he was gay! They decided to adapt the ‘better safe, than sorry’ approach before taking the big plunge. They dated for more than a year before tying the knot. Contrary to other Indians, Priti decided to live-in with Chris before they married. “My brother didn’t approve but it was important for me to see Chris under those conditions to get a real ‘household’ sense. This was a benefit that a lot of Indian girls don’t get.”
This is exactly what Amrita and Alex Comer also did when they met in their senior year of high school. Amrita was not yet 6 when her parents moved to USA. It was hard growing up caught between two cultures “I can think of 20 kids who grew up with me and they were all basically told what they were going to do and what was expected of them, and every one toed the line unquestioningly.” Amrita says she was never told that she had to marry an Indian. The criteria rather, was that he was to be a good person from a good family, and was to be ‘established’. Yet Amrita did the unthinkable. She fell in love with Alex at age 17 after they met in their senior year, and he was nowhere near being ‘established’. At 18 they both went to their parents and said they wanted to get married. His dad said to finish college first, and her parents said “No way.” Amrita and Alex then went ahead to UGA and started living together. Alex worked part-time and went to school full time. Amrita worked two, and at times three jobs, to support him. She went to school only after Alex got a job.
“It was a very difficult time” recalls Amrita, “ My parents could not tell anyone that their daughter was living in with someone. They were also worried that Alex would dump me once he got his degree. I was very young but I knew what I wanted, and it is just not fair to think that children can’t think for themselves. It took four years before that was resolved, and we finally reached the point where we could actually sit down and communicate in a civil way and that itself was a great accomplishment. Four years later we did get married.”
Her parents say they regret their stand today. “I think we Sikhs tend to be clannish and prefer to marry within our caste, says Amrita’s father, Mr. Surinder Singh. “We forget the fact that just as we were different from our parents, our children will be different from us. As parents we were not open minded, so when our child came and said, ‘I am in love with someone from outside the community,’ it was a major trauma for us.” “When we finally realized she was very serious we decided to meet Alex, his parents and grandparents and found them to be very family oriented, decent people, and our image of Americans changed. If they had any reservations they kept it to themselves. They even agreed to a Sikh wedding and Alex dressed in a traditional Sikh attire.”
Amrita’s mother, Mrs. Raghubir Singh adds, “There was a constant tug of war, because in spite of living in America we had this unrealistic expectation of presuming our children would remain Indian and continue following the Indian tradition. We were setting strict rules which were being broken all the time and Amrita’s falling in love with Alex, an American was a big shock for us, because ten years ago when Amrita decided that Alex was the one for her, Indian kids marrying Americans was a taboo. I was hearing many negative remarks including the fact that I was a failure as a mother. I wish we had agreed to this relationship the day Amrita came and told us she wanted to marry Alex instead of putting ourselves and her through unnecessary pain and stress. I must tell all the parents, don’t fight your children. If they have found the love of their lives, accept them with open arms and love. We had to finally choose between agreeing to the marriage and staying together as a family or letting them do what they wanted without our participation. Amrita and Alex were totally committed to each other. In fact they were right all along and we were the ones who didn’t know any better.”
All the couples have dealt with issues of cultural, religious and racial diversity in their own ways. Some have made a great success of it, others are struggling and some have parted ways.
Where things have worked out, invariably there has been a high degree of acceptance and adjustments on both sides. Kala, a south Indian Tamilian, was brought up in an extremely conservative, traditional south Indian family. She did not even go to the prom. She met Tom Ikegami, a Japanese (though he considers himself as American as they come) through friends, and after dating him for over a year decided to marry him. Kala picked up the nerve to tell her parents about Tom, only two weeks before they got engaged, and painted a scary picture before Tom as to what to expect. He was instead pleasantly surprised by his in-laws’ warmth and courtesy and is now considered “the gem of the family” by mother-in-law Parvathy Mani. He says his parents would have ideally preferred that he marry a Japanese girl, “but that probably wasn’t a practical outcome given the meager number of Japanese girls I knew.”
Kala’s mother has been living with them since April when Kala’s father passed away. There have been numerous visits from friends and family with a lot of chattering in Tamil. But rather than be turned off, Tom participated in every ritual. Complimenting him, Kala says, “I was very nervous about how he would feel about this abrupt change in our routine, but he handled it well,” Adds, Tom, “I don’t know if there is ever a time to acclimatize to South Indian customs, especially in a strict and very deeply religious family like Kala’s. The ceremonies are all very new. I have been to Indian weddings and funerals, seen house blessings and car blessings, in ways and manners not traditionally done in USA, but you have to take it in stride.”
The inevitable trial and errors are of course, all too common too in these ventures of cross-cultural mating and matrimony:
Moni Basu came to this country in 1976 with her parents. For her, growing up as a teenager in USA was a problem. Her father didn’t approve of dating. “I was rebellious and wanted to do the exact opposite of what my father wanted and at the same time also to experiment and learn about a culture that seemed so alien to my father. All teenagers go through these issues with their parents but for me it was a double whammy because I also had to deal with the cultural identity crisis. My father as very liberal in many ways but wanted us to behave as if I was still in school in Calcutta.”
Moni says she did not want to date Indian guys in school. “Indian guys are not as liberal minded. Also, one problem that always came up when dating an Indian guy was that after two dates both sets of parents would be talking marriage; which was the last thing on my mind.” She married Paul, her first husband, when they were both struggling students, only to be able “to get out of the house and be able to be on my own.” The marriage fell apart.
The second time around, when she met her current husband Kevin Duffy while working for Atlanta Journal and Constitution and decided to live in with him, her father was more open minded. “I couldn’t enter into any kind of permanent relationship without knowing the person well. It is amazing how many of my friends in India go through an arranged marriage, with such little time to spend alone with each other.” Kevin, on the contrary, who grew up in a devout Catholic family, says his parents probably didn’t like the idea of them living together, and so were happy that they did finally got married.
It was a similar situation for Ananth and Paige Seetharaman when they dated as students for a couple of years, before marrying. “Her parents thought Indian men were dominating, and mine thought that women in the West are very fast and will stay with you only till you forget to put the toilet seat down (!),” says Ananth. Well, it was more than a toilet seat though, that brought this marriage down. After three sons and close to a decade of marriage, the couple is in the middle of a divorce because of Paige’s involvement with another man.
Ananth feels that he does not know if interracial marriages are harder to succeed. “I think things that cause an interracial marriage to break up are probably similar to what may happen in any other marriage. I guess it also depends on where you are living. Certain countries and cultures impose a false sense to making it, whether you like it or not.”
While the quickly dissolved marriages in this arena could be chalked off to youthful indiscretions and poor judgment, to what can be attributed the split that comes after years of married life? Take for example, Kumon Khatod who was married to his ex-wife, Sarah, for almost 30 years before they eventually divorced. They met at school in North Carolina when he was 23 and she 22. Kumon had come to this country in the 1960s and had stayed with several American families. As a result he was very comfortable with the American culture and with dating American women. Sarah’s parents were concerned about the religious factor but he was willing to adjust. Before marrying Sarah according to Christian rites, Kumon studied the Christian faith and regularly went to church, learning as much as he could about Christianity before marrying. Their children too were raised as Christians. “Religion did become an issue at one point where she felt that I didn’t go to church as often as she wanted me to,” says Kumon. In this marriage Kumon made the major adjustments, because he felt that it would be easier for him to do so than for her to change. “I was living in America, my environment was totally American both at home and work, and my kids had grown up in the church. Moreover, my family was in India, and hence, there were no expectations from my end for her to change.” There were times he admits that he wanted to celebrate Indian festivals like Diwali, or eat Indian food and couldn’t, so whenever he managed to have access to either he enjoyed it to the hilt. There were difficult times when his family visited and he wanted to provide Indian food for them. He felt that Sarah initially tried to please his family but then she stopped because she was not comfortable. “When you try on a superficial level you get tired of doing it because its not you, and that was what was happening with her,” he adds.
The culmination of this rude awakening came in the early 1990s. Soon after Kumon’s parents, who were visiting, had left, and Sarah destroyed the idols and pictures of deities his mother had left behind. That is when he realized how dogmatic she had become. Kumon and Sarah divorced recently but remain friends.
As was evidenced in Kumon and Sarah’s case, the differences often do not arise until later. Ananth too says he had found Paige to be open minded, and kind, and unprejudiced, while they were dating for two years, and thought he had chosen wisely and well, and it didn’t matter where she was from.
Often the collective bias and prejudices of a community surface glaringly when two brave souls dare to tread past unspoken, yet deeply ingrained conventions of their people. Nichelle, an African American, and Alok Mathur an Indian, met through a dating service. It went so well, they decided to tie the knot only after two weeks of knowing each other! Her parents were very concerned, because they hadn’t heard much about him until she said she was getting married. His mother thought he was marrying her, “because I had gotten her pregnant!” And yet, Nichelle admits that for the African American community Alok was a far more acceptable groom than a Caucasian American, because such a groom would have made her much more the traitor.
Alok on the other hand feels it to be the other way around. There is more pressure on him for having married an African American than there would have been had he married a white American. The Indian community too reacts more to Nichelle than had she been white. “I do remember when Alok and I had started dating, we would go to parties together and there would be these Indian women who would stare at me all night but not talk to me. But now that we have been married for six years its different. Sometimes when I am at an Indian grocery store a bold one will come up and ask, what are you doing here but it’s more out of curiosity than anything else.”
Ramana Annamraju is a Telugu Brahmin and his wife Mary, an African American. They met while teaching at the same school. Ramana similarly feels that “Indians are more discriminating than the whites.” “But then again they are more willing to accept things once they get to know people. Indians recognize and appreciate education and the fact that Mary is very well educated goes down well with them. Indians don’t understand black culture. They think they understand white culture better, but I don’t think they understand either. A lot of people have this slave mentality where the Indians will try and play up to white Americans. I went to a friend’s party and one child said that he didn’t want to play with my son because he was black! But it is such experiences that have made my kids strong and self-confident.”
Mary says of Ramana, “In my family because his skin is dark they feel more comfortable as opposed to someone whose skin had been white, who originally enslaved them. Mary has also observed “In the Indian community there is a preference for white women than black. Even Ramana, she thought would attempt to ‘sell’ her as a person to find acceptance. “Whenever he would introduce me, he would say, ‘She has an MBA.’ I felt he did that to get an immediate approval for me from his friends.”
Pointing to the often-complex dynamics in such marriages, Mary explains, “I don’t go to the temple or Indian functions with him a lot because he tries to make me feel insecure among Indians. He’ll say things like, ‘You know Indians are prejudiced’ – thus trying to discourage me when he should be trying to get me involved. So I have stepped back from getting more involved with the community.
“Indians are the most polite people I have ever met and the truth of the matter is that even if they want to say something bad, they’ll end up saying something good. When I am amongst a gathering of Indian women and if they are exchanging phone numbers and don’t ask for mine, I understand. It’s a cultural thing, a bond they’ll have, and that doesn’t bother me as much. What bothers me are Ramana’s comments about these women who did not ask for my phone number.” Mary seems to suggest that it is important not to play up, but rather play down the differences in such marriages. Thus she says that in reality she truly does not have problems in interacting with Indians, but Ramana always seems to be playing up the differences. “I have never struggled with the Indian people; I struggle with him!”
When treading on the turf of interracial marriages, it helps to strive for understanding and acceptance. A little bit of preparation and research of the other’s perspectives, culture, and religion can only smoothen things down the road. That is precisely what Archna and Aaron Becker did. Not only were they friends for a couple of years after having met in Business school, but they also dated another year, giving time to know each other. Says Aaron, who is of Jewish descent, “I have seen the mistakes my friends have made in getting married in haste and not taking the time to really know and understand their partner and the problems that came up as a result. If I couldn’t appreciate or understand her religion, her background or her philosophy and she mine then there were likely to be problems.” Both of them took the time to study the Jewish and Hindu religion, as well as each other’s tradition at length before tying the knot. They had even discussed how they would raise their kids. It is through such understanding that they planned their wedding, combining rituals from both the Hindu and the Jewish traditions – in a two-hour ceremony. They called it a ‘Hinjew’ wedding. They even plan to raise ‘Hinjew’ children.
Raksha and Dean Melcher met in San Francisco when she walked into a bank trying to get a credit card with no credit history. Dean denied her request but helped her to get one at another bank. She went specially to India to tell her mother about him. With Dean’s family, it was not much of an issue. “Having been born and brought up in San Francisco, my parents were just happy that it was a woman!” He adds laughing, “Though one of my aunts did ask when I would come to my senses and get a divorce from that colored girl?”
Dean feels the biggest adjustment has been the cultural one. He feels all immigrants want to cling to their culture and often when he visits Raksha’s family everyone will jump right into talking Gujarati and it would be a while before they’d realize he was there and talk in English. “Well, he is getting pretty good now. The other day he was actually suggesting songs for antakshri, and I took him to see “Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge” adds Raksha. Dean enjoys really spicy food and has learnt to cook Indian food “I had to fry papads before she would marry me” he quips!
Of the factors that weigh heavily in such marriages, religion often plays a defining part. Ruth, Flavia, Mary, Priti and Kumon have raised their children as Christians predominantly for convenience. “In this country the majority is formed by white Americans who are not going to leave their culture, so we must recognize that and not expect them to change” says Kumon Khatod. Mary Annamraju agrees, “One of the first things I told Ramana was that I’ll always be a Christian, and that it will be easier to raise our children as Christians. My Minster told me that if you don’t get your children christened and expose them to both religions, they will follow neither one. Even Ramana’s mother is telling me to raise them as Christians. Her focus is that the children should be raised in ‘a’ religion, and if that happens to be Christianity, she is comfortable with that. The kids are exposed to Hindu religion, only so that the kids get to know that this is how daddy worships and these things are part of his culture, and it’s important for them to understand it.”
On the other hand Nichelle and Alok, and Amrita and Alex are exposing their children to both religions, as did Ananth and Paige. Anoop and Yumi are teaching their children to follow the basic good values not being particularly ritualistic. Rakhsha and Dean decided to name their daughter after Rakhsha’s mother and raise her as a Hindu, though their daughter asked them who Jesus was and wanted to go to church a few years ago.
“I decided to raise our children as Muslims, because I cared very much for Babar,” says Kuki, when the topic of religion came up, “They follow the religion and read the namaz, except that I did ensure that they will not be the typical orthodox, staunch Muslims.” “We have to live in this world,” adds Babar, “ and ideally religion should be a personal matter, but in real life you have to deal with groups of people, nationalities, different religions, and people identify themselves with that. You also have to be very careful when it comes to children. Do not confuse them. Give them a clear message, one identity, who they are, and their standing in society. When they are adults they can choose whichever path they want to choose. Also as far as religion and culture is concerned you have to tell yourself all the time, I am what I am but my partner has an equal freedom to follow his/her religion, even when at times it may be difficult to do so.”
When asked whether they felt any kind of discrimination, or saw any raised eyebrows being an interracial couple, and what kind of adjustments did they have to make, Priti said, “It could be little adjustments like not listening to Hindi songs in the car because he doesn’t understand all the high pitched singing.” While Chris says, “I don’t think Priti and I considered ourselves an interracial couple until we moved to Georgia about a year-and-a-half ago. Someone asked us, ‘How do you think you are going to do down south, as an interracial couple?’ We looked at each other and said ‘Oh I guess we are an interracial couple.’ The south is definitely conservative, though the people we socialize with are from diverse backgrounds themselves. Most of them have moved from other places, so that helps. Our son did make a comment about being half Indian and having dark eyes and brown skin, though I don’t know if it was of being aware that he is different or because they were learning about their bodies in school. He looks Latin American. Also, right before we got married, a number of her friends said, ‘Don’t give up, you can still find a good Indian.’ She ignored them, but it has always stuck with me, and I have not forgiven the people who said that. Most Indians accept me into their group, not all, but most. In many ways we do not have that much in common, but a few people have tried to make me feel comfortable and that has made all of the difference in the world.”
Raksha felt that the Caucasian women didn’t like her dating Dean, while Dean said that after coming to Atlanta they noticed that if they walked into a restaurant, which was predominantly white, there would be pin drop silence when Raksha and he walked in. Ananth had the same experience, though he didn’t check to see if it was a negative or positive reaction.
So what keeps inter-racial, interfaith relationships together? Or are they like any other relationships? Most couples were of the belief that it was the two individuals that mattered, though Yumi admits, “Before I got married, I certainly thought that marriage was between two individuals, and I still believe that to be the most important thing, but I discovered when I went to India for the first time that the family ties in India are much more intimate than they are in Japan, and at that point it dawned on me that I did not just marry Anoop but an extended family, and I must say it was very nice and I was very touched by it.” Anoop says he can see that racial background can be a factor but just hasn’t been so in their marriage. He felt the most important thing was to believe in yourself, your values and how your partner should be treated by your family and friends, and it didn’t matter whether the marriage is interracial or within the community. Yumi agreed and added that if one is self-assured and confident, it is easier to be open-minded about others, as well.
Moni feels their marriage has been like any other regular marriage but their relationship has been unusual because up until recently Kevin had not been exposed to the Indian culture. He ended up going to India three times with Moni and saw a side of her that was “very Bengali” to quote her. “Kids like myself who are brought up half here and half in India are always battling an identity crisis. I can’t express my Bengali side in my daily life in Atlanta. I work in a place where there are very few Indians, I move with more Americans, I am married to an American, most of my friends are Americans and so there is a whole side of my personality that has been tucked away. I have tried to socialize with the Bengalis here but I don’t jell with them. They have different a agenda, different lifestyles and a different value system. They are mostly professional people, very ambitious, into making a lot of money and into living in big houses in the suburbs. They are not like my Bengali friends in India. In fact I have never met an Indian guy in this country who I would have wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”
Kevin had his own teething troubles getting used to India and how things worked there, “I was being squired as the new son in-law. There was a lot of eating and socializing, sitting in different apartments. It was interesting and tiresome at the same time.” A lot of the family did not speak English, and though he says he was not as startled at Moni’s Bengali side, he was startled by the new things that were thrown at him at once, “The large number of relatives, the variety of food, the naming convention, meeting so many people at such a fast pace, trying to figure out all the cousins, aunts and uncles and not look foolish at the same time. I don’t come from a close knit extended family, so I was a bit uncomfortable being unfamiliar with the culture. I learnt to be more patient and understanding, considering that things worked at a slow pace.”
Moni went through the unusual situation of both her parents being sick for the past four years, and she had to go to India a lot, and stay there months at a time. “Before Kevin went to India, I could not expect him to fully understand my homesickness for Calcutta. When he went to India I think he began to understand what I was feeling. You can never prepare anybody for India. You have to go there and experience the culture, and family ties.” Kevin and Moni come from different backgrounds but have very similar interests. Moni says years ago she thought it would be difficult for her to have that with someone from a different culture but it has been the other way around.
Kumon, who recently ended thirty years of marriage, feels that they were incompatible as people but stuck it out because they had made a commitment to make their marriage work. He is now dating a close American lady friend of twenty years who is also his business partner, and says he can see the difference. “Even my children used to advice me to get a divorce. If you have common interests and similar values you can overcome any obstacle or issue.” Kumon also feels that it is easier now for people to make things work, because “There is an awareness of the cultural diversity which was not there in the ‘60s and ‘70s, and people not only recognize that, but they are also taking classes to learn more about the them. My current girlfriend is aware of my needs and even though she is American as well, the cultural and religious barriers don’t exist with her. She respects and understands where I come from. If your partner being of a different back ground or religion doesn’t approve or accommodate your wishes, it’s a problem. If she honors your religion and your wishes as you honor hers, its make it so much easier. Be sure your personalities don’t clash, and take the time to ensure that. If they do, it won’t work even if you were from the same ethnic background.”
Alok agrees with Kumon that it’s the person that matters. “In my case all that was important was whether I felt I was going to make it with this person or not.” Nichelle adds, “One thing that helps interracial marriages is the fact that you know this person is from a different background, so you get into it with a more open mind than you would if you were from a similar back ground. What we should remember is that people of similar backgrounds also use their homes differently and are the product of their environment, but when you marry someone from a different culture you don’t expect there to be any similarities, and in turn are more respectful and more patient.”
Subhash Gupta adds, “Twenty eight years ago things were different. At that time Ruth made a lot of compromises and sacrifices to suit my likes, my tastes and adapt to my lifestyle, but today’s kids are not so compromising, and parents interfere a lot. Instead of the children trying to focus on making relationships work, they are busy trying to keep their parents happy.”
Amrita agrees, “If I had to do it all over again, I would have gone ahead and gotten married at 18, but I was trying to do the best thing from my parents point of view, instead of doing what was the best thing for me, and what I wanted to do for myself wasn’t too bad. I had found my true love and wanted to marry him, but all I got was, “How could you, what a terrible thing. At one point they wanted to send me to California to meet this Indian guy with a big house and a cushy job, and I said you don’t even let me stay overnight at my girlfriend’s house and yet you want me to go all the way to California, just because he is ‘established’?”
“It was a big stress on us to go through all that all alone, at 18. We didn’t have any support from my parents, and Alex’s father had just remarried and his mother was going through a period of re-adjustment herself and so we felt very alone. We made it because of some wonderful friends, and while we also enjoyed ourselves, we learnt some very important lessons on issues of trust, the kind of people we wanted around us, and what roles we were willing to take on. Alex just presumed that I would do certain things just because I am a woman and I presumed he would do certain things just because he was a man. Then again Alex had to adjust to the fact that he had not married just me but my entire family, which is not the case with American families where every couple functions independently. He couldn’t figure out why Indian families were so interdependent, why I had to communicate so much to my mother and vice versa, but he understands my parents better now and adores them, and yet he still feels he doesn’t have to discuss every issue with everyone except with me.”
Amrita feels that her friends and those younger than her have benefited from what she went through. Couples have lived together and it has been accepted, and parents and children are talking about a lot of issues they were not talking before. “I think a lot of my experiences were painful, but they have made me a better wife, a better mother. Someday when my daughters will come to me and say, mom I know you had hoped I would be doing ‘this’, but I have decided to do ‘that’ instead, I hope I will have the courage to accept that. I think every parent should try their best to raise their kids in such a way that they are equipped to handle life and its experiences on their own, and let them go.”
Moni agrees. “A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that just marrying within their community will make a marriage work. I think cultural barriers are not so insurmountable, it’s the parents who put so much pressure on their kids to marry within the community as soon as they enter their twenties, trying to match make with other Indians, not realizing that their children are more American than Indian, trying still to cling on to their cultural values out of nostalgia and fearing that they may be lost because they are living in this country. In fact Americans are much more accepting of their children marrying Indians than the other way around.”
Archna’s father Surendra Malhotra also concedes, “It is very difficult for Indian parents to adopt somebody from a different background. You have to learn to adapt. If you keep putting your foot down, you ruin their happiness, and your own. There are still a lot of Indians who are very rigid, and, try to ram their opinions down their children’s throats. Our son is seeing a Brazilian girl and came and told us, and we love her. We just advised them to take their time. No point putting your foot down. Parents have a few years to be with their kids, and it’s the kids who have to live their lives. As long there is mutual respect for each other, that is all that matters.”
“Problems in marriage are there whether outside or within the community,” says Amrita’s father. “I have seen some very eligible brides and grooms imported from India only to be divorced here. One has to choose wisely, and realize this is a different world today. As goes one of Jagjit Singh’s ghazals, “Log har mod pe, ruk-ruk ke sambhaltey kyon hai/ Itna dartey hain toh phir ghar se nikaltey kyon hain?” (Why do people pause, and hesitate, and stop at each turning in their life, trying to stay ‘safe’? If they are so fearful, why do they ever step out of their homes?”). I think when we are in this country, we expose our children and ourselves to many cultures, and since we have stepped out, we have to accept the outcome graciously and gracefully.”