Staying Single

I’m single because I was born that way” – Mae West

Perhaps nothing consumes the South Asian community more than the obsession with marriage. Internet dating services, matrimonial ads in community publications, masala cruises, the ever thriving aunty network, all are geared with one aim in mind-to find you that special someone to nab into holy matrimony before your biological clock goes from ticking to racing through time. Even the annual South Asian cultural Conventions that are supposed to showcase the myriad colors of India, have added a well publicized attraction – a matrimonial service – to its agenda. Wherever you go, if you are minus a member of the opposite sex hanging on your arm, even before the pleasantries are done you are asked the million dollar question, “Are you married?”

The Indian matrimonial bliss is however increasingly moving towards the unavoidable American reality, where 50 percent marriages end in divorce in the US. By contrast Indian American marriages are more stable, but the divorce rate is on the rise both in India and in the South Asian community in North America. Today, 10 to 15 percent of all marriages end in divorce or separation. It is also obvious from the current trends that South Asians are focusing more on career, delaying marriage much to their parents’ dismay. Many jobs require extensive traveling these days and while it opens a whole new world of meeting exciting people, it leaves little time to develop long term relationships. The younger generation wants to date more as well. Today much to the dismay of their parents, 27 percent of Indians are single. This percentage is almost as high as the national average.

And what about people who are in their mid thirties forties, fifties, even sixties? What happens when they go against the norm and stay single even after the biological clock has crashed, or choose not to repeat the marital mantra after a divorce or death of a spouse? Several singles share their lives’ experiences and why today their personal quest for happiness and fulfillment does not equal having a significant other in their lives.

Rekha Krishnamurti, 36, a New York-based consultant, says growing up in a conservative South Indian family in Ottawa precluded dating, going to the prom or partying. 36 a consultant based in New York, says growing up in a conservative south Indian family in Ottawa meant no dating, going to the prom or partying. Her parents were insistent that she marry a south Indian boy from their own community and started lining up prospectives from the time she hit 22. More than a decade later she is still single and her folks have done a 180 degree turn, giving her the green signal to marry anyone from any ethnicity as long as he makes her happy.

“I find it very strange that while growing up, South Asian parents do not allow their kids to date, hound them to concentrate on studies and yet marriage becomes the be all and end all of every girl’s life, and is such an important part of our culture. What they don’t realize is that most of us because we haven’t been dating remain pretty clueless about what we want or how to act with the opposite sex, and I was no different. I never thought I would be in my mid thirties and still single. I was so sure I’d be married by 26-27. I did meet someone but it didn’t work out and since then no one has even come close.”

Rekha says she really learnt about life when she started living on her own, and that what worked in her grandmother and mother’s time was not necessarily what would work for her.

Rekha finds Indian men to be commitment phobes in general, unlike American men who seem more honest and open, so now she is not ruling out dating them. “Some of my friends have dated Indian men for over a year only to have the guy disappear when talk of marriage came up.” Rekha says while she still hasn’t given up on marriage, it would require a self confident and liberal man to accept the fact that she doesn’t intend giving up her independence and her interests if she does marry.

Jagriti Ruparel came to the USA when she was in her late 20s in 1989 for further education. In India she had a rich and exciting life .“I came from a very liberal family where we were never told we HAD to get married. Rather we were told that we must be self reliant and not plan our lives based on the presumption that just because you are married it will be for life.” Jagriti says when she was in her early twenties, like everyone else she too obsessed who she would marry. “In India people are always making you aware that you are now eligible. My mother would always put people in their place when they asked her when I would get settled, saying that I was already “settled” with a good job and may unsettle everyone if I got married in haste!”

While Jagriti went on plenty of dates in India, coming to the US put a stop to that. “I realized that dating here meant you were expected to jump into bed on the first date, something we never did in India.” For Jagriti the refusal to compromise meant going from having a full social life to a very lonely one here. Her high profile job as VP NRI Financial services, for Citicorp in Chicago, involves a lot of traveling and that too puts limitations on the time she has for dating or developing a long term relationship.

Today in her early forties, Jagriti says she has a full life. It was a friend who put things in perspective for her when she was complaining about how lonely life was in the United States, and it really hit home. “ She said Jagriti, start enjoying your own company.” The moment I started doing that I developed so many new interests and started enjoying doing things on my own.” There are times when she comes home after a hard day or when she is stranded in the middle of the street with a flat tire, that Jagriti misses someone she could share things with, but those moments are transient.

“Today when I look at all that I have built single handedly and see my friends going through dysfunctional marriages and some on to their second divorces, I find there are more pluses to being single than minuses and hey I can change my own car tires as well, what do I need a man for? Jokes apart, I have also noticed that most men feel threatened by successful women.”

No one is single by choice, says Jagriti but she is not willing to get married just for the sake of it. “Intellectual and emotional empathy is very high on my list, and unless I can find someone with whom I can be best friends, I’m content with the way things are. In fact my friends call my home their personal spa. Its peaceful, immaculately kept, there are no kids scurrying around and they come here to unwind.”

For Sita Nilekani, 50, an Associate Director at Pfizer in Ann Arbor, Michigan, it was the time tested and often used excuse of horoscopes not matching, and her own focus on education that delayed matrimony. Sita’s father died in an accident when she was yet to turn thirteen and her brother was 15. “We moved back to Dharwad, a small town in Karnataka to be close to relatives and mom had to learn everything from scratch. That made her even more resolved that her children must excel in academics and be self reliant before anything else.” Living in a small town where even looking at a boy elicited gossip, Sita walked the straight and narrow path. ‘ I didn’t want anyone to point their finger at my mother and say she didn’t raise her children well.” Sita’s interest and academic achievements in the then burgeoning field of Bio Chemistry landed her a post doc position at the University of Minnesota. “ People thought I was very confident to have come all by myself, but I was very shy and had self esteem issues. I was the kind of person who wore saris with the pallu wrapped around my shoulders like a shawl. I never dated in India and was in my late twenties by the time I left India in the early 80s.”

Sita wanted to marry an Indian guy but the guys at the University followed the tradition prevalent in those days of going to India and finding a bride there. She went through a phase where she felt very sorry at her plight of being single because like every other Indian girl she was expected to marry. It was in her thirties that life took a sudden twist and changed her entire perspective. “I came back after a visit from India, fell terribly ill and almost died. While recovering in the hospital I began to introspect and realized that having had such a close brush with death, I didn’t want to live a life of regrets obsessing about marriage, or feeling sorry for myself or being in a rut. I came to the conclusion marriage was preferable but not necessary. I know now that had I remained in India and gotten married I would never be the enriched person that I’m today.”

Sita says she developed areas of her personality, she wouldn’t have, had she been married. A scientist, artist, sculptor and writer Sita says being single makes her look at life outside the box, and she embraces every one as an extended family. If marriage has to happen, it will but she is not wasting her time moping. Sita adds, “ I hear all those horror stories about unhappy marriages from friends who tell me I’m very lucky to be single. Even though I’m a Hindu, I think Jesus bearing the cross has a great significance in my mind. It symbolizes the fact that no matter who we are or what our status, single or married , eventually all of us have to bear our own burdens in life, so we must learn to be self sufficient.”

What happens when some one goes through a painful divorce after many years of marriage and even death of a partner? Some of the single who shared their stories say there is never one reason. Some made children their priority, others found getting back into the dating game confusing, and there were some who felt the expectations of what every one is looking for in a partner have become unrealistic. One thing was for sure. No one wanted to get into it again without taking their time. And while they look, they have built enriched and exciting lives for themselves.

Narender Reddy is a prominent broker, political and community leader in Georgia. He has been divorced for over 8 years, after a 14 year marriage and two daughters. Narender says while he believes strongly that no one should stay in a marriage unless it is a nurturing happy relationship based on love and mutual respect, it still took him almost 5 years to overcome his grief. He also wanted to ensure that his 2 daughters remained well adjusted and cared for, in which he had his ex wife’s full support. Unlike many of his friends Narender refused to marry quickly on the rebound. “ These guys just went within weeks of their divorce to India and came back with a new bride, while for the first year I was just going around in a daze, neglecting my business, myself.”

When he did check out the dating scene Narender was in for a rude awakening. “Most women in their late thirties and forties have very unrealistic expectations, while men like me in their forties and early fifties have become more realistic. The funny thing is 4 years ago some of these women were on the internet dating websites, claiming they were 40 but looked thirty and wanted to marry a doctor, and they are still there. I have yet to see a woman say on her profile that she is 40 and looks her age. The ones that do look good are all dating younger man. Some of the women who claim they are well settled are barely cracking 40k and have lived in the same apartment for 20 years and start looking at me as their meal ticket.”

Narender says being a public figure also makes him more conscious of who is on his arm. ‘I’m constantly being invited to the Governor’s house or the White House for dinners, and I can’t just take random women to these places.” To him, it seems no one wants to focus on the key issues of intellectual and emotional empathy. “I want to be with a person with whom I share common interests, who enjoys the same things I do, someone I can share the sunset of my life with, but most Indian women are not thinking that way. All they want to know is how much money I make.”

Narender admits that at times he gets lonely when he sees other guys with their wives and misses the companionship but then he also says in retrospect, while he is not averse to remarrying, he has a thriving business and a rich political career that keeps him very busy. He cherishes his peace of mind and the harmony he enjoys and having winged it as a single man in the 8 plus years, he says he knows he would do just fine on his own if he can’t find what he is looking for.

“What constitutes unrealistic expectations is very relative. The fact that women have very unrealistic expectations may be a male perspective. They may be thinking the same about men. I do feel though that it’s a competitive market ,” says Rakesh Arora, who works in Virginia and has been divorced since 1998 after a 10 year marriage and two kids who refuse to see him.

Rakesh says divorce was painful, because it was an untrodden path. It took him 2-3 years to get over his shock and grief. Today, however he is enjoying being alone. Rakesh says he works in an Indian American owned company and sees a lot of divorced Indian Americans around him. There are some women who could be perceived as compatible with him, but he didn’t find what he was looking for. Like Narender, Rakesh says that the women around him have written great resumes about themselves, and marketed themselves aggressively, but the hype backfired and 4-5 years later they are still looking or have been divorced twice already.

Both Narender and Rakesh concur that there are no social support groups in most cities for South Asians so divorced or widowed people really fall through the crack or keep floating around. Many Indians don’t like to go the internet route. Unlike the churches, the Indian temples don’t have any projects that allow older single people looking for friendship and companionship with the opposite sex to mingle, or even go out as a group, for a picnic or to the movies.

For Rakesh it was turning to spirituality and religion that led to an acceptance of his single status. “ I’m at peace today. I have come to the conclusion that if you believe in the theory of karma and whatever comes your way is destined for you, you will stop feeling guilty and being self critical. Eventually being alone leads to introspection which in turn leads to inner peace and harmony connecting you to divinity. While I’m not averse to a remarriage, I want to make sure it is someone with whom I can have a mutually nurturing relationship. If not, I’m happy with things as they are.”

Dr. Satwant Cheema is a perky 59 year old psychiatrist and business woman based in New York. After 30 years of marriage she made the horrifying discovery that her physician husband had been cheating on her for years. “ I guess I kept feeding him brown rotis but he preferred white bread” she wise cracks. Divorced since the past 6-7 years, Dr Cheema says, after the initial devastation and shock that lasted 6 months, she has lived such a full life she has felt no need for marriage. “People ask me how I find the time to do so many things because I’m always on the go and I tell them it’s because I don’t have a husband!”

Cheema says that even prior to the divorce, her ex husband and she had been drifting apart for years. “If you have a happy marriage and your spouse dies, you may still be inclined to re marry. If you haven’t had a satisfying relationship, you end up building certain strengths within your self and make another, separate life within the marriage, so when you do get out you are already self sufficient.” Dr Cheema does admit however that on special occasions like a child’s marriage or now that her daughter is pregnant she misses having a husband to share the family milestones.

Still like Jagriti, Dr Cheema also feels that if people can overcome the fear of being alone and start enjoying their own company, have a few friends to rely on in times of need, there are a lot of pluses in being single. “You are not answerable to any one for anything, and frankly each one of us has the inner resources and strengths to be self sufficient. We just have to take the time to rediscover them.”

Deepa Dharamrup, a business woman based in Atlanta, got married at 18 after she fell in love with her ex husband. She was married for 17 years and has been divorced for over a decade and says she hasn’t had the time to date much. “When the divorce happened my two daughters were 16 and 11, and since I had custody of the girls I focused totally on them and on earning a living. Looking back I realized that when you get married at such a young age, you don’t know yourself. As you start getting older you start figuring out what it is you want from life, what makes you happy. At times couples grow together at others they drift apart, in spite of both being good people. The latter happened to me. I wasn’t happy and so couldn’t make any one else happy around me”.

Until 5 years ago, Deepa says her life revolved around her work and kids. Since then her journey has been that of self discovery and overcoming low self esteem. She is doing the things she loves and travels widely. Like Jagriti she too feels that most men have a hard time relating to a successful woman and get defensive or over aggressive. “ I feel that after a while most men want to control you and I will not permit it to happen to me. It takes a very secure man not to be intimidated by a successful woman and I haven’t found one yet. I’m 48 and really have no patience with someone trying to impress me, so I have not dated much by choice. I’m enjoying my single status and spending time nurturing myself and my interests. Unfortunately Indians have not learnt to be emotionally self sufficient. Its a hard process for us but once we get there the rewards are immense.”

Jasbir Singh whose marriage collapsed and resulted in a divorce after a long separation. Singh has been divorced now for 6 years, but on his own for over a decade. Singh says contrary to the belief that divorced women face more stigma, he had his share of suspicious looks that he was the one who had done something wrong. He felt alienated and didn’t find any thing either in the south Asian community or in his own Sikh gurudwaras where single people in his age group could be gently reinitiated into meeting others like themselves. Singh says 3-4 years ago he had initiated a similar support group in his community and invited older singles to join, but was unsuccessful. “ The idea was just to meet in a coffee house to chat and share life’s experiences, but south Asians are so self conscious that most of them didn’t show up, either out of embarrassment or a sense of shame.”

It was a chance meeting with an American woman during one of his walks at a park that he struck a friendship which opened doors for him. “ The lady, welcomed me into her group activities after finding out I was alone and shy.” Singh is now part of three different non-Indian support groups for singles in their forties including a church group that has welcomed him with open arms. “ At my age I’m more focused on developing the spiritual side of my personality, but mingling with these people, I have found companionship and a social life that was missing. I have been more welcome in groups outside my community.” Singh and adds that he has met very interesting and gifted people and it has made him more accepting and liberal minded. “I’m not averse to dating a non Indian woman now, though again if I don’t find someone I’m quite content being on my own and having a wonderful group of friends.”

Rashmee Sharma is in her late forties and grew up in a family that was very education oriented. Her father, a civil servant nevertheless married her off at 20 because he was not in good health. Rashmee’s husband however encouraged her to pursue her interests including her PhD and journalism. Then tragedy struck. At 27 Rashmee lost her husband, while her two children were 7 and 4 years old. Rashmee turned down offers to marry again and decided to leave India and go abroad against every one’s wishes. “ I just wanted to get away from places that kept reminding me of him, and getting married for the sake of convenience never was an option for me, even though it could have solved a lot of my problems. Being a single woman in India always made you vulnerable.” Rashmee arrived at the University of Washington in 1990 and says that coming to America was the best decision she made. It allowed her to grow in a way she wouldn’t have had she remained in India. Today her children are well settled, and though they have been telling her to date for a while, its only now that she is warming up to the idea.

“For a woman with children, their well being comes first and so dating and remarriage was out when they were still young. Today I see so many dysfunctional relationships and extra marital affairs outside of marriage that it makes me wonder if I should even bother. I also feel that women once they are empowered are more comfortable being on their own, than men. A lot of my male friends got married quickly after divorce because they didn’t like being alone and a couple of years later those second marriages also crumbled.”

Rashmee says discovering her strengths and being on her own has been such a blessing. She also says having had a wonderful marriage she is not willing to settle for anything less than being with someone who can be her best friend like her late husband was. She is involved in so many exciting activities that she doesn’t have time to feel lonely, though she too has an occasional pang here and there when she wants to share her stresses and thoughts with a partner. “ Your children have their own stresses and want you to deal with them and not talk of your own hassles, but I have great friends, and a rich life, so getting married is not really a priority.”

T Sher Singh, 55, one of Canada’s eminent lawyers, writers and public speakers says his parents had a wonderful marriage but somehow even as a teenager he had a sixth sense that what worked for his parents may not work in the times he was growing up in. “ Then the roles were clearly demarcated. The woman was the homemaker, the man the bread winner. No one said what about my rights? Marriage was a social contract as well.” Singh chose his own wife and married at 25. The marriage ended seven and a half years later and he chose to raise his daughter by himself.

When Singh divorced in the early 1980s the community in Canada was not very developed and there were very few Indian women for him to date. “It was difficult to find a woman who was intellectually compatible, available and North American and I was not going to make the mistake of bringing a woman from India which is the worst thing we can do for ourselves or for our children. There is such disparity in upbringing and culture even though the origins may be the same. We don’t go into a business relationship with someone we don’t know or hand him a big chunk of money, but we are ready to go and marry a complete stranger within weeks and expect it to work.”

The roles of men and women have changed, says Singh and the boundaries have blurred. One reason why women are staying single longer in North America is because they are developing a lot faster than the men and doing better both academically and professionally. “ Men of the Indian sub continent have stayed tied to the Indian lifestyle and Indian values and so their expectations are of the old world. As a result they become unacceptable to today’s women.” Singh also finds most men by and large have not learnt how to enjoy being alone or bond with other men. “ Women on the other hand have much greater ease with other women, and in forging friendships or being self sufficient.”

Singh feels the older generation of immigrants have done a terrible disservice to the younger generation by failing to accept and develop a system where children and even they could meet and mingle with members of the opposite sex. “Unless we ourselves date and understand the opposite sex and what works, how can we impart any guidance to our kids?” Singh says the biggest concern will not be the younger but the large number of unhappy older singles left to fend for themselves due to divorce or death of a partner. “We have no idea what to do with them. Can you imagine even in today’s world, anyone trying to hook up two 65 -70 year old singles who may have lost their partners, and for it not to create gossip or make waves in the community?”

Singh who has remained single for over 2 decades says, he dated a lot after his divorce while juggling a high profile legal career and raising his daughter. He did not find some one with whom he could establish a permanent relationship, but sees the situation as a by product of the changing times which makes it difficult to have a permanent relationship.

“I have met some amazing women and enjoyed a very enriching friendship with them. I have yet to meet a couple I have envied and wished I was in their shoes and that is a very telling statement.”

It is obvious that while being single is not a matter of choice, these singles have reinterpreted the meaning of being by themselves, as a path to self fulfillment. They have also discovered new gifts, new friends, new strengths, they didn’t know they possessed. Arthur M Schlesinger Jr. once said “ Everything that matters in our intellectual and moral life begins with an individual confronting his own mind and conscience in a room by himself.” These singles, while not shutting the door to marriage, epitomize the rewards that come from doing just that.