A Tribute to Fatherhood: Celebrities Share Their Thoughts

They are perhaps many a time the unsung heroes who stand behind their children and guide them through the maze. While mothers have always garnered the special soft corner in the heart of their children, some celebrities share their thoughts with KAVITA CHHIBBER on what their fathers have meant to them over the years.

I watched a small man with thick calluses on both hands work fifteen and sixteen hours a day. I saw him once literally bleed from the bottoms of his feet, a man who came here uneducated, alone, unable to speak the language, who taught me all I needed to know about faith and hard work by the simple eloquence of his example.” – Mario Cuomo

When told that his father the late Tabla maestro Ustad Allah Rakha Khan was considered one of the purest souls to grace the world of Hindustani classical music, the reigning master of percussion Zakir Hussain is deeply touched. “It is true. My father was a man who traveled all over the world with Ravi ji (sitar legend Ravi Shankar) and did not know how use a credit card, write a check or call to make a reservation.”

Ustad Allah Rakha had a deep faith in the almighty, and that somehow any problem that loomed would be solved by God’s grace. “There were times when there was little money and my mother would worry. He would say, don’t worry, God will provide and suddenly from nowhere there would be a call to play a concert. At times some one would come looking for financial help and my father would look in his own pocket and give whatever little he had. If there was nothing in the house, he would go to the money lender and borrow some money to help out who ever it was who needed money.”

Zakir says that not many people know this but Ustad Allah Rakha began as an A grade singer in All India Radio. He also gave music in 40 odd films in the 1940s and 50s long before anyone else came on the horizon. “He composed music and sang for top notch directors like actor Raj Kapoor, apart from starring in a movie. He gave up all the stardom and glamour to concentrate on tabla, in spite of the fact that in those days tabla players were considered second class musicians. His love for classical music and tabla went beyond such mundane considerations, because this is where he wanted to be. Because of his great personality and talent, he elevated tabla playing to extraordinarily high standards, bridging the gap effortlessly and setting the stage for future tabla players like us who have benefited tremendously from it.”

Does he miss those days when musicians were like a large family? “Those days are gone because the seven day music festivals that happened are no longer there. All the musicians would be together for those seven days and hang out together having tea in the dressing room watching other musicians perform. My father was one of the best cooks around; He would buy fresh vegetables and meats and cook for Ravi ji and Hari ji and Shiv ji and everyone who was around. He would make sure that every one ate well and once he had taken care of every one would he sit down to eat himself.”

Learning from your own father can be a mixed bag. On one hand there are stories of strict fathers who punished their kids relentlessly, and on the other there were those who were kinder. Then there were musicians who weren’t good teachers and others who taught the intricate stuff only to their own children.

“I don’t know about the other stories but my personal experience was that my father was more concerned about his other students than he was about me. It was very important for him that the knowledge was passed on to every one, impartially and with the same commitment. My father was one of those rare people who genuinely appreciated the talent of other tabla players with great pleasure and never stopped me from adding to my repertoire when I took something from another gharana. He was a big admirer of Pandit Kishan Maharaj for instance and would show it openly.

He was also gone for long stretches and so when he came back we would concentrate on tabla and not other stuff that fathers and sons do. But I had a very multilayered relationship with him-it went from teacher and disciple, to father and son and later to becoming very good friends. I feel very fortunate that I got to experience all those layers. Apart from his great legacy as a musician, my father also took in many poor students and taught them free, because they were talented but could not pay for their lessons. To this day we are supporting several families of musicians in his honor, because he was the one who started that tradition.”

While Zakir Hussain travels even more than his father did, older daughter Anisa, who is a film producer and hopes to direct her own film some day, says her earliest memories of her father are of him rocking her to sleep or rubbing her back and playing tabla notes on it. ‘He would often carry me around while being in his own world thinking of the next composition, and to this day he still rubs my back if I’m not well while thinking of new compositions!”

Anisa says her relationship with her father has only gotten better over the years and he has been a great mentor. “He is one of the most honest and honorable men I know. I look up to him not because he is someone famous, or has skills beyond others but because of the kind of person he is-selfless, with an amazing capacity to share with others.”

Anisa says since the past five years Zakir is home more often, and his greatest inspiration comes when he is there. “He travels so much that he loves to come back and just be…the yoga of living the everyday life is what helps him unwind-things like taking the trash out, walking the dog, washing dishes. It’s funny how he will fight over washing dishes. As soon as dinner is over and if I’m home I’ll get up to go to the sink and he will say adamantly, “No, no, I’m going to do the dishes. It’s that which grounds him. Teaching his students is another thing that just transforms him, He loves that so much.”

So does the music magician on drums have any quirks?

“Hmm, whenever he is around, things start breaking up mysteriously,“ says Anisa with a laugh. “A chip on this cup, a crack somewhere else and we will say-how did this happen? Where did the chip come from? The answer? No body knows-we look at him and he will not know either! Or so he says! Of course we attribute it to the fact that he is so consumed with creating the next award winning composition, he doesn’t realize the chip or the crack. At any time you can see him drumming on the table, composing in his mind, and you try talking to him and he is not answering, so you have to cut him some slack! Mercifully the breaking of things is not too frequent!

Dad is also the best iron wielder in the world. We help him when he needs it, but on any given day you will find mom, my sister and I getting him to do all our ironing!”

Tennis ace Vijay Amritraj, says if it wasn’t for his parents he would not have achieved what he did in tennis or even been where he is today. A severely asthmatic child his parents put in a lot of time, money and effort to make sure he was not left behind in any way. While his mother chauffeured the kids to the tennis courts, it was obvious that his father Robert’s strength lay in the tremendous role he played in the family as the patriarch of the house.

“My father is extremely well read and has a great flair for literature. He worked in the Indian Railways, but I know he turned down many offers to move which may have brought greater benefits professionally but would have affected our tennis adversely.”

Vijay says his father’s influence was significant in all the three brothers doing well in academics. He wanted Anand to sit for the Indian Administrative services since he was the smart one with this phenomenal memory, and while Anand excelled in academics but chose tennis and a master’s degree in economics, the thought of what their father would think of their actions was the driving force behind who they became as people. “For anything we did, we eventually wanted to be like him, or do it as he would have done it. We also always asked ourselves-would dad be proud of this? Or mom would say-you better not do this-dad would be upset and that would be enough for us.”

Vijay says his happiest times were traveling in the train with his parents.

‘Since Dad was in the Railways we would get an entire bogie to ourselves with a bedroom, living room and staff and we would have such a great time traveling together as a family.”

Today when he thinks of his father he says the one thing that he learnt from him was humility and to stay grounded.” I always say if you don’t know where you’ve come from you’ll never know where you are going. I also think the way I was loved and brought up has made me pull myself up even more as a father and strive to be a better parent because the bar was set so high.”

Sitar maestro Shujaat Khan who is perhaps the greatest sitar player amongst the younger sitarists, is the son of legendary sitar player, the late Ustad Vilayat Khan. Shujaat’s earliest memories of his father are of sitting with him on stage and listening to him at the age of 3 or 4. “Abba had oiled curly hair and there he would be in his cream kurta, and we could actually feel the mesmerizing power of his music as he held the thousands that had come to hear him spellbound.

I also remember the time we spent in the early morning,–our time alone, and that one hour that we spent together before every one else woke up. We would play musical games –he would ask me to sing after him and then tell me the notes that went into it. To this day I can immediately identify the notes behind any song in any language. I didn’t realize it then but he was teaching me so much in just a musical game. As I grew older he also made sure I knew how to be self reliant. He would get me to handle all the ticketing, hotel arrangements, lead him into an aircraft, and so on.”

Shujaat’s parents divorced when he was 11 and his two sisters and he stayed with his father. At 18 he walked out as his relationship with his father hit a turbulent patch and he was on his own from then on. The relationship had its ups and downs, but the two made their peace before Vilayat Khan passed away.

So today how much of his father does he see in himself?”

“A lot! The older I get the more my wife, kids and friends seem to be saying constantly-oh my god you are becoming like your father. I share my obsession for neatness, and small gadgets among many things with him. My father enjoyed the finer things of life and it’s the same with me-its not that I must have everything, I like, but I know how to appreciate it. Musically too, there are so many similarities in the way I play.”

Today when he looks back, what are the things that stand out in his mind? If he had to relive his life again, would he have stayed on with his father and been more patient?

“On one hand, my father was a very generous and compassionate man, and yet I haven’t met very many human beings who are like the pendulum that he was. He had tremendous strength of character and compassion to feel the pain of others, especially the poor and the needy since he had seen tough times himself. He would see a student toiling away for hours and would go into the kitchen himself, make pistachio milk and serve the student. One day I had been practicing for hours and my fingers had been cut. He was a hard task master so he kept pushing me till I was in tears with the pain. Once I finished he got up and left the room. A little later, I went to his room to ask him a question related to music and found him sobbing. As a father it had been hard for him to see my pain, but as a teacher he had to push me.

He had very strong likes and dislikes and he would let go off very lucrative deals if he didn’t like someone. He loved with a passion and would not tolerate someone he didn’t like with equal intensity. He was very blunt and outspoken. What you saw as what you got.

I see that in myself. If some one puts me off, as a professional musician, I will do his concert, but I will very frankly tell the person there is no need to be friends. My father was one step ahead. He would refuse right away and tell the person why he was refusing then and there. Even if Bill Gates was standing outside with his billions, if he didn’t like him that was it.

At time he was really strange. One day he insisted I take him for a drive. So we get into this 75 thousand dollar BMW, he goes past four gas stations and then makes me go into this lane and asks me to fill the gas to the brim and then says okay let’s go home now. Later as I’m wondering what was the point behind this so called drive-he says smugly, I remembered on Tuesday this particular gas station has a discounted rate..see we saved 7 dollars! And I’m thinking-.you have all the money and cars in the world what difference will 5- 7 dollars make- but that was him-the king of idiosyncrasies!

Would I have lived differently? I don’t think so. Being the son of a legend like him was a blessing but also an incredibly huge burden. While I was with my father I was driving him around, sitting behind him at every concert and that was that.
When I walked away, I became my own person and came into my own as a musician. As father and son, we had our clashes and both of us were to blame, but I cherish the legacy of music that he left me. I can also never take away from the fact that both as a person, and as a musician he was perhaps the greatest influence in my life.”

Singer Shaan, the very popular ex- host of one of the hottest TV shows world wide, Saregamapa, lost his father when he was thirteen. “And yet I have always felt that my dad is around me, he is protecting me and watching over me. My dad was from the music industry and I continue to hear stories not just about his talent as a musician but also his compassion and generosity. There were times he didn’t have the money or the resources but he was always there to help any one who approached him. A friend of his would show up from Calcutta wanting to make it in the Bombay music industry and dad would say-great, well this music director signed me up for his film, but let me see if he would give you the chance instead.

This in spite if the fact that he was not well off, and had to struggle quite a lot. Another time someone told me that it was my father who was by his side at the hospital for hours and not his family, making sure he was okay. People tear up when they mention his name.”

Shaan says to this day he always thinks in anything he does, if his father would approve, if he would be proud of him.

So now that he is a father twice over, is he the way his dad was, with his kids? How does he approach fatherhood with his sons?. Shaan laughs sheepishly and says, ‘I always thought I would be a disciplinarian like my dad. That my personality would be such that my kids would be awe struck into behaving themselves. Instead both my sons have me wrapped around their little fingers, they bully me, and I’m the one always saying sorry to them. I tell you I’m very disappointed in myself. I have always loved kids and I just adore my two sons, and can’t live without them, but I thoroughly enjoy my time with them.”

Going back to his father, Shaan says that there is one thought that comes back to him constantly. “Its strange that when he was alive, having him around was the most normal thing and I didn’t think much about it, but today when he is not there physically, I feel his presence in my life, his spirit, guiding me. The legacy he left behind of the love and compassion he showed others, has multiplied and blessed me in so many ways. I feel that today I am where I am because of the love and regard people have for him to this day. They gave me a chance because I’m his son and I hope to pass the same legacy to my sons.”

Thankfully, my friends loved my lunch box. They happily ate my food and thought it to be rather exotic while I devoured their roti-subzi-achar(wheat pancakes, vegetable and pickle), which for me was the real ghar ka khana (home made food)!”

“I grew up in a house, where my mother went to work and my father stayed at home, ‘ recalls actress Nandita Das of her father famed artist Jatin Das. “It was the only way I knew, so I grew up thinking all mothers went to the office while fathers stayed at home to take care of the household! Didn’t all fathers cook and clean and for recreation, paint in their studios?! Now looking back, I am so glad that stereotypes were broken and roles reversed in my mind at such an early age. Of course my father’s creativity permeated into the kitchen too. It meant my lunch box had sprouts, brown bread, slices of apple, or a vegetable that was cooked in a way nobody had really seen before.

Nandita’s father is a man who walks to the beat of his own drummer. “Baba, as I call my father, right from the beginning, was a rebel. Instead of preparing for his biology exams, he would relentlessly paint under a tree in the fields, behind his home (in Bariapada, Orissa). And then there are stories about him running away to Bombay with 500 rupees in his pocket to further his passion, at the JJ school of Arts. I’ve heard many wonderful stories from Baba and his friends, recounting these times in their lives with a passion that has never waned with age. Sometimes I feel it’s not pure nostalgia, the times were different.

I have heard this story a million times from him and his singer friend Ashok Misra. Soon after his college days, Baba was commissioned a large fresco on Marine Drive. It was a prestigious commission and he desperately needed the money. Not known for his sense of time, he postponed it till the last day. He panicked the night before and told his friend that if he would break eggs and beat them with color (the concoction needed to paint the fresco), he would climb up the scaffolding of the building and finish it in one night. The only condition was that Ashok would have to sing till he finished the fresco! So all night Ashok dada sang and Baba painted. In their endless reminisces I have imagined the first rays of dawn drying the last daubs of paint. “

Today while things have changed for the better financially, Nandita says that “Baba’s relationship with money has hardly changed! He has always seen it as something transient, that has very little to do with the joys of life. Money for him has never been a motivation for doing anything. Seeing him broke, the daughter in me would often find it so impractical and almost foolish, but I know that understanding his philosophy has given me a lot of courage of conviction and freedom of choice.”

Nandita adds that her father’s way of looking at life was very unique. Once during her tenth grade board exam, she was very stressed and nervous. “ Others had fathers who sweated over logarithms or at least ensured that their child sweated it out. My Baba, on the other hand, took one look at my panicked face and asked me to water the plants! I was shocked and angry with him. How could he be so insensitive as to ask me to water the plants when I didn’t have a minute to breathe? His logic was simple- if you have attended your classes, you should know your subject, and there should be no reason why you torture yourself just a couple of hours before the exam. While that sounded very logical, I couldn’t explain to him that it’s not as easy as that. But he was so sure that if I needed to concentrate on math I needed to water the plants. I grudgingly went out and took the hose pipe, pondering about my rather abnormal father, who understood nothing. Soon the accusations gave way to a peaceful engagement with the plants. The flowers seemed to dance in joy as they bathed in water, and soon, their dusty leaves were shining once again. I hate to admit that it was the best thing that could happen to me at that time. Like the leaves, I guess my mind needed rejuvenation. So when I returned to the god-forsaken logarithms, I really didn’t mind them any more!”

Nandita adds that, today she is grateful that her father never forced her to excel or live up to expectations that most parents thrust upon their kids. He also always made Nandita and her brother question every action, even his own. “Now he wonders why I argue with him so much!” He also instilled honesty, equality and sensitivity as core moral values in the two. “My brother and I were reminded ever so often to question our motivations, intentions and our actions that it almost became a habit to do reality checks in every situation. I am grateful to my father because of the values he instilled in us. If these were simply hollow sermons of a preacher, we would not have imbibed them. But they are so intrinsic to his being, he invariably catches us every time we falter.”
Nandita says when she decided to join films, her father warned her that “films are like dragons; they suck you in and lure you in to the world of money and fame. The best of people compromise, lose their path and forget why they got into films in the first place.” Initially she laughed at his concern thinking it to be typical parental anxiety but acknowledges today that those very words and the underlying message have kept her grounded. “Success at home was not defined by money and fame. Work was always meant to be something that would give you joy, make life more meaningful and above all, help you grow as a person.

Nandita says it is from her father that she is inspired to not follow the beaten path, to dabble in different things and not balk at paying the price it involves. “I have often felt he is one of the most misunderstood people I have ever known in my life. But then I am comforted by the recollection of all the people through the ages, who have defied the beaten path. I once heard someone say that the world is changed by those who are crazy enough to believe that they can do it. You can disagree with them, criticize them, or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do, is to ignore them.

These are the misfits, the rebels, the trouble makers; the ones who see things differently. I see my father as a square peg in a round hole. And for this he will have to bear his own cross. The confidence to take this path I am sure stems from my father. For Baba, the journey is important, not the destination; a maxim that I have embraced in my own life. I float through life resisting pressures of proving anything to the world. I am restless, interested in fifty different things and want to explore and live every moment to the fullest. In today’s world of super specialization and ruthless ambition, this desire to experiment and explore may seem naïve or indulgent. But what if many different things fascinate you, what if you want to lose the fear of failure and what if doing all the different things is the only way for you to be happy?! Well, then you just go ahead, stumble along the way, meet some amazing people and dabble in different things. The confidence to take this path I am sure stems from my father. But does this life on one’s own terms come at a cost?

Of course! There are those who think Baba is crazy. Those who simply can’t believe that a 60+ man can actually be so child like, or be so ‘scattered’, have no money every now and then, be so worldly unwise. For most, at best he is mad and at worst, pretentious. Baba doesn’t care about either of the accusations. And I have to admit that it wasn’t always easy for us to grow up with a father who has been in the public domain, with half the people laughing at his idealism and other half mistrusting him. But those who have known him well have accepted his rebelliousness, his righteousness, his childlike wonder, and his need for being himself.”