Shobha Nigam: Memories of Loss and Love

Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation”
– Kahlil Gibran

It seemed just like yesterday when I was emailing Sonu Nigam about his amazing comic act at the GIMA awards that were broadcast in the first week of December 2010.

Instead of basking in the glow of appreciation, I received instead a distraught email telling me his mother had been diagnosed with terminal cancer only a few days earlier and had been given 5 months to live.

I had just finished my training in Pranic healing, a form of energy medicine and seen some startling results and immediately asked him if I could send healing to his mom. Sonu was very open to it as were his sisters Meenal and Teesha, and especially Shobha ji, his mom.

I spoke with Shobha ji, soon after and also with Meenal and Teesha, both trained healers even though they had other careers. I’ve always believed in soul connections from past lives but even I was not prepared for the kind of intense energetic connection I had with Shobha ji. I went through the innumerable emails/smses Meenal, Teesha and I had exchanged before writing this piece over the 2 years and 3 months that I worked on Shobha ji.

The bizarre thing was that she always knew when I was healing her and would say so. It was at different hours of the day due to the time difference… but she always knew. In those 2 years and 3 months, I don’t think Sonu and his family left any stone unturned to find a cure through traditional as well as complementary and alternative healing methods. A stellar Ayurvedic doctor in Bangalore was a huge help.

But more than anything else it was Shobha Nigam’s own determination and will that made her such a special and unique human being from the time she was a little child. It made her defy the odds and live way longer than the doctors’ gloomy predictions.

I had a lot of mystical experiences while treating her and that really does reinforce my belief that we reincarnate many times and meet the same people to learn and teach life lessons. We also work on the gifts we have, and improve on the weaknesses we have carried on from our previous lives. And perhaps Shobha ji and I met many times from the familiarity I felt with her.

Mere Ghar Ayi Ek Nanhi Pari, Chandani ke haseen rath pe sawaar

Every new born child that is born is the incarnated soul at its purest. In many households in India, the girl child is considered an incarnation of Lakshmi, the Goddess of prosperity, and Shobha proved it for her lower middle class parents.

“My mother is a Garhwali,” recalls Sonu Nigam, “Garhwalis are from Uttranchal, and her father after he married her mother brought her to Bombay and that was where my mother was born. She was educated In Bombay. She had six sisters and one brother. They were from a very, very lower middle class family. Independence had just happened and most of India was lower middle class at that point. There were very few rich people. They were mostly office goers. Her father was a very honest man who never took any bribes, so they could never really rise from lower middle class to middle class.”

“So my mother has slogged. She was a fighter. She was more like my nana’s (maternal grandfather) son. She was brilliant in studies, she was brilliant in sports. She used go to sports activities, bring back so many cups (trophies) and prizes and without any inspiration. When she was in 10th standard she used to give tuition to 11th standard students. After school she used to go walking 2-3 kilometers to music classes, learn music then come back home, eat something, then give tuition and then do her own homework, go to sleep and then again go back to school. So she had a very tough life but she did everything with great integrity and self respect.”

“The moment she got a chance to sing in Bombay concerts she lapped it up and that’s when she gave a helping hand to my Nana.”

Teesha is the youngest of the three siblings and says that while life was tough for her mom, still being the oldest, she was sent to an English medium speaking school. “Then my grandfather heard her sing and felt she had a lovely voice and it must be nurtured so he made sure she received musical training. She, started getting shows and then there was a time she worked a day job and then shows in the evening and her income really helped her parents and siblings. Strangely, even though she had an incredible voice and could sing anything, no one thought to encourage her to get into play back singing.”

Tere mere Sapne ab ek rang hain, jahan bhi le jayen rahen hum sang hain

Shobha ji met her husband Agam Kumar Nigam, a highly acclaimed singer, at a concert where she was chaperoned by her mother. “Both my parents were very shy and yet they connected,” recalls Teesha. “They married against a lot of family opposition within a year of meeting each other. The only stand my mother ever took was to go against family wishes and marry my father.”

“My father … was the best option my mother could ever have,” adds Sonu. “He loved her, he stood by her and in spite of being an artist of such high caliber, he never messed around, and he never made my mother feel insecure.” But all these things were proven later. At that time Sonu’s father was frowned upon by the Garhwali community because he was from a different caste. The alliance was looked at with great disapproval and finally the couple eloped and got married. They also left town so that they couldn’t be tracked down.

“I am a witness to everything – from their (his parents’) struggling days – and yet how homebound they both were! They were always happy with each other, they would cook for each other, they would laugh and sing with each other, sometimes quarrel with each other. Both were Leos so they understood each other very well. They understood each other’s ego, they understood each other’s temperament and my father was short tempered. My mother had a temper too but she was very understanding. She was a very wise woman.”

“And Papa understood her wisdom,” says Meenal, the middle child, who is 11 months younger than Sonu. “He knew she was a highly intelligent woman, and that is why he married her apart from the fact that she was very beautiful, honest and ethical. If she said something and stuck to her guns, he would honor her request. He knew her inner strength and character.”

“After her marriage to him, my father was initially not very keen to see her on stage,” says Teesha. “He was of the old school and felt that a man should not accept his wife’s earnings – That he should be the provider, and the woman the home maker. I think he was also very sensitive to the fact that his wife must always be treated with great respect. But then he was fortunate enough to meet some really decent promoters who treated mom like she was their sister and were full of admiration for her talent. My father felt very comfortable with them and so mom started performing with him and they did really well together. She only performed with my father and they were very happy with the arrangement and each other and soon Dada (Sonu) joined them when he was 4.”

Sonu remembers that his earliest memory was of his father singing the then famous Chahe mandir masjid todo by Narender Chanchal, apart from Rafi sons. He recalls his mother was partial to songs like Ye Sama, and how the three of them would sing Thande Thande Pani mein nahana chahiye and Sonu’s Kya hua tera vada with his dad would bring the house down. Meenal and Teesha say their mother could sing anything, from Lata to Asha ji to even Salma Agha and Usha Uthup. Agam Kumar Nigam, Sonu’s father, says in those days it was very very tough to make it in Bombay. “There were no reality shows, no production houses and the famous music directors only composed for the greats, all of whom showed up in the same era: Rafi, Mukesh, Kishore Kumar, Manna Dey, Lata ji, Asha ji. They were all such accomplished singers, so well trained and so talented that the only way for us was to do stage shows and because of that we were able to make a decent living.”

Jaisi meri Maa hai

I think motherhood perhaps brings out the best qualities in a woman. She learns to love unconditionally, to forgive unconditionally, to be a nurturer, to be a good teacher and a good human being. And Shobha ji had a special relationship with each child.

It was when Shobha ji was pregnant with Sonu that his father brought his wife closer to his hometown of Faridabad. Both Sonu and his middle sister Meenal were born 11 months apart in Faridabad. Teesha was born a decade later.

There are so many memories, but the earliest ones according to Sonu, are of his parents, him and his middle sister Minnie, riding a moped (a two wheeler that’s smaller than a motorcycle and bigger than a bike) and him pestering his mother for a song.

“My mother taught me this word hawai jahaj. It means “an airplane” and I used to tell my mother to sing a song on hawai jahaj and my mother used to say what song can I sing? There is no song with the word Hawai jahaj. I remember she used to make up that song humming hawaijahaj, hawaijahaj. That is the earliest crazy memory very very faintly in my head… but mostly because of my mother’s narration.”

“And then the earliest would be Om jai jagdish hare – aarti – that she used to do every single day at home and so that was one of the most persistent memories. The most authentic, raw memory in my head used to be Om jai jagdish hare.”

“I think right from childhood Mom was very protective of me,” says Meenal. “I was 11 months younger than Sonu, but never the shining star as he was from childhood. He was brilliant in studies, brilliant in sports, very outgoing. I was shy and mom would always be very protective, saying this poor girl is so simple, so naïve.”

It was funny how all my growing years I thought mom loved Sonu more than me and Sonu thought she loved me more than him. But the fact was we could never get enough of her. She was always so busy multi-tasking. My mom was 45 when she finally got her first domestic help.”

“My childhood was spent seeing her washing utensils, sweeping and mopping the floor, washing clothes, cooking food, teaching kids, then singing on stage; and she did all that so efficiently,” says Sonu. “I used to see her work the whole day yet she would never say ’I’m tired’ or ’I’m not getting an opportunity to rest.’” She was very secular and Sonu found that out when they shifted to Bombay and some Muslim kids started telling him some negative things about Hindus and Muslims which baffled Sonu. “My mother never told me such things.” When he asked her she told him that all divine sources were the same, that all Gods were to be equally revered and that he must always be courteous and treat everyone with respect. Anybody who met her even for 5 minutes would say what a kind woman she is. Bahut dayavan anhkehn hain (she has eyes full of compassion). She is such a beautiful soul. Everybody felt that about her. Random people meet us – the carpenter, the painter – and tell us ’Maa ji bahut acchi thi’ (mother was very noble) She was very proactive. If someone came home she would go overboard trying to serve them and make them comfortable.”

“I had a strange relationship with my mom,” says Teesha. “I was the baby. I’m more than a decade younger than Dada and Meenal… and yet I never saw my mom as a mom. I rarely called her ’mummy.’ As a child I was convinced that she had a cat inside her and that her name was Kittu. I would call her cat or Kittu and we would always be silly and crazy around each other, till the last day. The rest of the family members had given up on us! It was like ’these two are incorrigible… yeh nahin sudharenge.’”

“That’s true. Mummy had a crazy sense of humor, she was a great mimic and she would concoct these really strange names for us. She would call me Mohan Tandon,” says Meenal laughingly. “I have no idea why! She’d always say ’Mohan Tandon, tu kab jayega London?’” She had equally silly names for my father, Sonu as well as Teesha. She would tease me a lot. There was an actor I hated. He was a big hero of her time but I found him very unappealing and she would tease me, ’Oh he is Minni’s favorite hero!’ I’d get mad. Or she would call out and say ’Hey your favorite hero is singing a song on TV! Come watch him.’ I would go running only to find it was the one didn’t like. Teesha would be addressed as Nikshulanya! My Dad and Sonu also were given weird nicknames but it was all in fun.”

“She was an outstanding mimic and someone who did not waste a minute of her time and I think Sonu has inherited both those qualities from her.”

“Teesha and I finally had her to ourselves for a year when Papa and Sonu left for Bombay and we had so much fun hanging out together, going shopping, doing girly stuff. Those days were wonderful. And then again, I had one on one time with her, sadly when she was diagnosed with cancer and I became her primary care taker,” says Meenal.

Zindagi Kaisi Hai Paheli Hai, kabhi toh hasaanye, kabhi yeh rulaye

When Shobha ji was diagnosed with terminal cancer in December 2010, the Nigam family foundation was shaken to the core. “And yet I could not believe the smile on my mother’s face,” says Meenal.

“She didn’t flinch even when the doctors said the prognosis was grim and that she had a few months to live. She said to me, ’Don’t worry everything will be fine. I am going to fight this.’”

Never one to give up, Sonu started looking at traditional and alternative methods of healing. Shobha ji was also open to it. A friend recommended an Ayurvedic doctor in Bangalore and I started doing energy work on her long distance.

“My mother, in spite of her kindness, goodness and positiveness, fell prey to subdued resentment, anger for a lot of reasons,” says Sonu. “She had some issues, and because of that even though outwardly she appeared happy and calm, I could see there was a lot of unease in her system. I felt there was some negativity in her that was troubling her, and as you rightly said, cancer whose cause has not been discovered or diagnosed as yet is perhaps due to suppressed depression or anger, or something that is hurting from within.”

“If I understand that its subdued anger and it’s not caused by a bacteria or a virus, so the cure also has to be alternative, it may be something to do with occult or metaphysics, some healing some transformation within, things that some people may call stupidity, call a figment of our imagination… and yet they believe in cancer, even though they know that cancer is not a virus or a bacteria, and does not have a cause. They also know there are people that don’t smoke and yet get cancer and then there are people like my Nana ji who smoked three packets a day and died at the age of 90 of a heart attack.”

“So we don’t know the real cause of cancer so far, so obviously the cure may be in alternative medicine. I had big faith and it was also my mother’s idea.”

“I was suggesting various treatments to my mother and there were a couple of doctors in Bombay who were allopaths that we were considering. One fine day actress Shamita Reddy’s mother read it about it in the newspaper and she called me out of the blue and said ’Sonu if you want your mother to live, give me a call. I can get her cured.’ She suggested a doctor in Bangalore. I took my mother to Bangalore because she said to me, ’I want to go to Bangalore and try this treatment.’ At that time she could neither walk, nor lie, nor sit or eat but Ayurveda extended her life by two years and your energy healings were going on side by side. So in her mind she was getting cleansed inside. She was given 5 months but she lived for 2 years 3 months.”

Sonu becomes pensive. “Trust me we do call events upon ourselves and maybe I called this one upon myself. I used to keep telling her ’Mummy khush raha karo nahi to cancer ho jayega (Mom stay happy or you will get cancer). People who don’t stay happy get cancer. God has given us so much, but I guess when a child says something no matter what the age, the parents still treat him like a kid.”

“Even when Siddhartha became Mahatama Buddha, his father told him ’I’m ready to forgive you if you come back.’ Buddha said to his father: ’Father one who leaves, has he ever returned? Who is it who has left and returned?’”

Meenal says her entire life started revolving around her mother. “It makes me sad that all my life I used to dream that it was just mom and I, and no one else. And I got my wish but it manifested in the saddest possible way. It did bring me even closer to her. I never felt the need to go out, to make friends, and to take a break. Even in such pain she was so hopeful. Her eyes would beam with love for the Ayurvedic physician attending to her and she would ask with child-like faith ’Doctor sahib, I will recover won’t I?’ Even when life was slowly ebbing away, even by Ayurvedic standards, and she was in such pain and crying and screaming for hours, she would not give up. And the doctor was so kind. Unlike the allopaths, he never took her hope away.”

“It was also interesting to see how she did not want Sonu to know how ill she really was. She would be screaming in pain but Sonu would call and she would make me promise not to tell him she was ill. She would use all her will power and put a big smile on her face and cheerfulness in her voice. It would upset me at times because I felt his presence was a hugely positive impact on her and I know he would have left everything that he was doing to be there for her. And to a great extent Sonu did his best to run to her as much as he could in spite of the demands of work.”

“Energy healing did work on her. Now both Teesha and I have trained in it.”

Teesha adds, “People say ’Well give me proof energy healing works… It’s not visible to the naked eye. I can’t see it.’ I say then that it may not be visible to the naked eyes, but those are your naked eyes that cannot see. There are others who have that clairvoyant ability to see. It’s like a color blind person saying colors don’t exist. Yes they don’t for that person, but it does not mean that others cannot see them. I have always been into energy healing and have continued to study it. I also say as you and your team of healers worked on my mom, obstacles to her healing were removed and other doors started opening simultaneously. She went on to live for over 2 years.”

“I believe that there is a physical body and also an energetic anatomy and when you heal at both the physical and energetic level the healing is far more powerful and effective. I attribute that to her living way beyond the doctor’s expectations.”

Kisi Rah par kisi mod par Kahin Chal Na dena tu Chod Kar Mere Humsafar, Mere Humsafar

28th February 2013, brought with it that mod (turn) when the most beloved Humsafar, did just what her favorite duet didn’t want her to do. Amidst prayers and blessings she left for the next chapter in her soul’s journey.

“She was the strength of our family,” Agam ji says tearing up. “I feel like all our strength has gone. I miss her so much. We were totally devoted and committed to each other, and so I miss her terribly.”

“Papa is truly the one lost without her,” says Meenal. “I think all of us have had a very close relationship with our mother. She was always the bridge builder and the anchor… be it her father’s family or ours. If Sonu and Papa had an argument or were in a bad mood, she would be the calming factor. She was the patient one and the voice of reason and she never spoke more than was necessary. If we wanted to communicate with our father or he with us, she was the one we all turned to.”

“She was the most honest person I know. She was also very simple. I think she was overwhelmed by Dada’s huge success. She was proud and lost at the same time. Suddenly her nest was being deluged with the crème da le crème of society and Mummy had a hard time dealing with it all. She couldn’t adjust with the fakeness and the glitter. Both my parents are very dignified and simple people and my mom had to suppress a lot… somewhere her authentic self was beginning to choke. She would not over spend, she would not become a fake high society diva. She would not throw her weight around. She never misused her status or her power. She once said innocently ’Well… I don’t know how a superstar’s mother is supposed to behave.’ She didn’t know how to put on a poker faced front like the more seasoned celebrity mothers did.”

“And she dreamed and believed that Sonu is in this world for a higher purpose… that he will create a legacy that will leave a permanent impact and change in the world and I hope he will fulfill that dream.”

“I do believe mom is our guardian angel. Both Teesha and I were so stuck in our lives and suddenly a month after mom passed away, there was a huge shift in our lives. It had started happening even before she left. It was as if she took on our sins and asked the divine to help us in return.”

Meenal adds, “I miss her so much. She always told me being a healer and care giver was my special gift and I am going to do my best to honor her through my yoga and healing work.”

When Sonu came out with his critically acclaimed private album Classically Mild, he said the song that got everyone very emotional was an ode to woman Dhanya Dhany nari jeevan which pays a tribute to the selflessness of womanhood in its many hues. “My mother epitomized that song,” says Teesha. “Mom sacrificed her life and her dreams for her children and her husband. Before that she was doing it for my grandfather and her siblings. She was one woman who NEVER lived for herself.”

“It’s also strange – even as a kid whenever I would listen to Sagarika’s (Shaan’s sister) album song Jaisi meri Maa hai, I would burst into tears. Back then, I would cry out of overwhelming emotions for her and out of fear that I will lose her to death someday eventually in my life. Even as a child I had a strong intuition that she will leave me sooner than other parents leave their kids. And I would keep confirming from her, ’You won’t die na? Aap bohot lambi umar jiyoge na?’ And she would keep reassuring me that ’I will always be with you. I can never leave my Master’ she would say pretending to be my cat again. And to date, that song makes me cry.”

“And another song that makes me miss her is Chanda O chanda, Lata ji’s song, which she would render beautifully in her voice.”

“Today I vividly remember the beaming smile of pride that would flit across my mother’s face whenever something good happened to me personally or professionally. She would get teary eyed at the same time; especially if Dada came to her and said ’Teesha sang so incredibly yesterday.’ Only a mother can love her child with such passion and such junoon (madness).” Shobha ji continued to perform until Teesha was born. “She left singing then, and yet as I embarked on my musical journey her suggestions and my Dad’s were invaluable in my becoming a better singer.”

“Music was very therapeutic for her. She did not like watching films and as she became sicker the only thing that sustained her was her music. We would do Karaoke evenings and she would actually sit up for almost up to 2 hours and sing. Even in sickness her voice soared on the microphone. She was so expressive and her voice would take on such power. She sounded like a 20-something girl when she sang. It would really cheer her up. When she felt very unwell, she would put an iPhone before her and sing and record the song. It gave her a lot of solace.”

“When I sang the Singh sahib the Great track with Dada who also composed it, it was so well received. It’s during these times I miss her physical presence so much, but then on a soul level I can feel her all around me. There are times when that feeling of being in her embrace is so strong that I don’t feel like she is gone. In those moments I stop mourning her absence. I think she is such an intrinsic, permanent part of me that she can’t leave me even if she wanted to.”

We had a havan on February 18th in my mother’s honor. When the ceremony was over and I went to the room looking at the havan kund, suddenly my dog Romeo went berserk. He excitedly ran to the area, barked and then came running back to me and then went back again and did the same thing. It was like he was telling me ’Look who is here!’ I firmly believe my mother was there. I couldn’t see her but he could. Her last sms to me and Dada was that she wanted us to sing Aawaz deke hamen tum bulao as a duet for her on stage. I hope we can honor that wish soon.”

“I see so much of her in my face, my voice, certain mannerisms, that when I look into the mirror, I feel like I am her reflection.”

Sonu had a very rough year after Shobha ji left and threw himself in his work.

“I cannot even tell you… I would just cry at the drop of the hat. I promised myself that I would not cry this year and that I will focus on my work and work hard.” But even though he drowned himself in work and kept a positive attitude with the arrival of February and her first death anniversary on the 28th, it is time, he says to open his heart up again. “She deserves my thoughts and my memories of her,” Sonu says softly. “So I allow myself to dream of her every day. I dreamt of her last night. I dreamt of her in the afternoon yesterday. I dream of her, I hold her, I cry and tell her ’Mummy, aap jaana mat, please aap jaana mat (Mummy please don’t leave, please don’t leave). And then she cries and I see I have her. I have her now… and then suddenly… she diminishes in my dream and I come back to this reality. Is this a reality or was that a reality? I don’t know but when she is in my dreams I cry and I hold her and we both cry. This has happened so often.”

His voice exhausted, he continues, “I shut my eyes and I see her face one inch away from mine and how I used to kiss her and hold her… her voice, the smell of her body, her beautiful hair, her neckline, her shoulder, her laughter, frowning of her eyebrows… and her sometimes superficial laughter, sometimes real laughter, and scratching her back.”

“I miss her so much… and I just can’t believe, I have to spend the rest of my life… whether it is one day or 40-50 years… that the rest of my life has to be without my mother.”

“I cannot tell you… I have her complete picture etched on my soul, and I will never let it go away. I, my Dad, and my sisters… we will never let her fade away from our memories.”

28th February is a day of remembering. Agam ji said to me, “All the family members and close friends will gather and remember. We will shed tears and the pain will return.”

And I say to him and to her loving children that she will be around them, blessing them and protecting them. They will receive a sign… if they pay attention. I hope today they too will take the time to deeply listen and to really hear each other, as they get together in remembrance, bound by healing energy of golden memories and ties of love.

This beautiful poem by John Fox says it all:

When Someone Deeply Listens To You

When someone deeply listens to you
it is like holding out a dented cups
you’ve had since childhood
and watching it fill up with
cold, fresh water.
When it balances on top of the brim,
you are understood.
When it overflows and touches your skin,
you are loved.

When someone deeply listens to you
the room where you stay
starts a new life
and the place where you wrote
your first poem
begins to glow in your mind’s eye.
It is as if gold has been discovered!

When someone deeply listens to you
your bare feet are on the earth
and a beloved land that seemed distant
is now at home within you.

Kavita’s Special Podcast (A Tribute to Shobha Nigam):

Welcome to this special webcast on February 28th 2014 to celebrate Shobha Nigam’s punya tithi. It was a year ago on this date that Shobha ji left her physical body to become an angel and watch over her loved ones. In this special segment Global icon Sonu Nigam shares memories of his mother.

I want to specially thank Sonu’s sisters Meenal and Teesha Nigam for sending me pictures and videos to choose for this tribute. I wanted to keep this interview at its purest, most authentic… because that is who Shobha Nigam was – simple and authentic. What you saw was what you got.

(Meenal has been the surprise package, I only knew her as a a healer and yoga instructor, but she has an incredible singing voice.) Teesha has been my angel – so helpful trying to coordinate all the sharing and interviews. In between her crazy schedule, she got her reticent Dad to share a little bit of his deep loss, and while parking her car, she stopped just to hum a couple of songs her mom loved and one that Shobha ji wanted Sonu and her to perform together in her last SMS to them. I hope to bring their voices to you soon.

I end the segment with two songs by Sonu one of which took on a very special meaning for Shobha ji. According to Meenal, it contains all her blessings perhaps through those words.